


Dark Carols

by Nyx_Fedra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A very dark Christmas story, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Depression, Discussion of Past Abuse, F/M, Healing takes time, Mental Health Issues, Mind the Tags, Suicide Attempt, They are in therapy and thank god for that, so does Rey, the Rogue One team steps in
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-05 22:06:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16819393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: Ben Solo wasn't liked around the office. He had outbursts of rage, and he was generally rather unpleasant, harsh, difficult to get along with. He seemed to despise others and to be disinterested in anything anyone talked to him about. Rey didn't like him very much, their few encounters had been difficult, some even shouting matches. To her eyes, he was spoiled, ungrateful of the privileges he’d been granted by life. He refused to join Resistance enterprise for a long time, working for Snoke instead, he was harsh with Leia and Han, hostile with Luke…It all changed two months before Christmas, when they entered Resistance enterprise headquarters to find Holdo disheveled, alone when Leia never missed a day, and she informed them that Ben Solo had almost succeeded in committing suicide the night before.Rey’s world tilted upside down.A Christmas story full of angst, but also hope, love, healing, forgiveness, and acceptance. And family, of course.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind the tags. While I do not plan to give an extremely detailed description of a suicide attempt, it is the main point of the story and it will be discussed. The story itself it's about mental health, two people who clearly have problems, one of which is severely depressed, so if anyone doesn't like reading about that this is when you turn back.

# October

There are around fifty people in the foyer of Resistance Enterprise, and the silence is complete. Holdo is crying silently, her pink hair looking messy when usually they are nothing but sheer perfection, carefully styled in perfect waves.

If it wasn’t for the fact that she herself was speechless, Rey would be wondering how no one was speaking. Because it seems impossible, surreal… Ben Solo, the office official asshole… and now she can’t even think about him in those terms without guilt hitting her deep in her chest.

‘H-How’ Poe asks, stuttering for the first time in his life, eyes wide.

‘I… from what I understood he… he tried to…’ Holdo could barely speak, her usual confidence shattered ‘Leia was very distressed, of course… there was… there was a lot, a _lot_ of blood because he… I think he had a knife and tried to… to go for-for his own... throat, before Han could get to him’ she said, and all of them seemed to gasp at the same time, the air sucked out of the large foyer.

After speaking those words, Holdo begins to cry hard, and no one seems to know what to do because, yeah... Rey can barely imagine the desperation that would lead to such an act, and her life hadn’t been a walk in the park. So that Ben Solo, of all people, could be so desperate… it was the complete opposite of the image she had of him in her head: the rude asshole ungrateful for the great fortunes of his life, for having everything Rey never had and always dreamed. A loving family, enough money so never to worry about it, a job guaranteed in the family business. But maybe… maybe she had been projecting, those great fortunes for which she hated him so much. Her therapist always said that she projected too much, that she lied to herself too much on certain things (her parents, most of all), and apparently she had done that to Ben Solo, too. She had done it so much she had never questioned why he was so harsh with Luke, so distant with Han, so skittish around Leia…

But it still feels surreal. Because no one could possibly _hate_ Luke Skywalker (irritated by him, maybe, but hate?) or, God forbid, Leia Organa. Yet Ben Solo did. The same man who refused to join his mother only to go and work for Snoke until something came to him and he came back, to scream and throw tantrums (although now that she thought about it, it had been months since he had an outburst of rage). He was rude, harsh, difficult to get along with, and if it wasn’t for the pictures of a young Han that were here and there around the building, one could scarcely believe he really was his son, or Leia’s.

It feels surreal until Lando comes rushing in, mumbling about how Han had called him and Maz in panic, to go back to their home and grab a couple of things while they stayed in the hospital, waiting for news from the doctors.

‘I didn’t see it at first’ Lando said, his voice broken in a way no one had ever heard it before, because no had ever seen him without his cocky smile and secure moves, but he is shaking now.

‘Next thing I know I slipped and it was… _everywhere_ ’

His white sating shirt, the front of his tailored trousers, are all soaked in blood.

_Ben Solo’s blood._

‘Little Starfighter’ he mumbles looking lost, as if old age had caught up with him all at once.

In the silence of the foyer, Holdo cries harder.

* * *

Resistance enterprise didn’t close for a single day. Holdo kept the office open and things going as best as she could, but the spectre of what happened covered the whole building like thick fog. There were constant little remainders all around the office, and little updates from the hospital from time to time.

Maz comes in two days after Lando. Everyone loves the small woman, but no one greets her as warmly as they usually would, and that is also because she makes straight for Holdo’s desk.

‘I told them the boy wasn’t alright, and looked what happened!’

‘Maz’ Holde pleads, on the verge or crying again.

‘ _He’s overreacting_ as always, you all said. I told them to stop and look where we got… a small rock after another builds a mountain you know?’ Maz says, hands on her hips.

For the first time in days, Holdo seems to become Holdo again. Tall and secure of every step, every word.

‘You should tell that to Luke’ she snaps back.

‘I already did’ Maz answers before turning around and leaving.

After that exchange, Rey feels sick, and refuses to eat for the rest of the day.

The next time they have an update it comes from Poe. He’s the one among them (employees of Resistance) that seems to have been hit harder by what had happened. It’s understandable, he and Ben had practically grown up together, and although they drifted apart in middle school, their families were always close. So close that the Organa-Solo-Skywalker was all the family Poe had left after his parents’ death. Holdo, Maz, and Lando had seen him grow up as much as they had seen Ben, and Poe couldn’t help but feel guilty. He was always the only one to give Ben some benefit of the doubt, some justification, when he appeared too rude or aggressive.

‘I asked Leia what I could do… and, I mean, Lando is still badly shaken, so I went… to the house to… clean. And, _yeah_ , it’s… it’s a lot. But apparently he’s recovering. Another scar’ he says moving a hand nervously through his curly black hair, trying and failing to smile.

‘You shouldn’t have done that’ Finn says putting a hand on his shoulder.

‘I did it for Leia’ he answers, and something inside Rey is torn wide open, as if piece by piece she is finally allowing herself to see the void that surrounds Ben Solo even when he is around people, a void she knows all too well, intimately, and that she can recognise in Poe’s words. Because despite what had happened, her judgment of his feeling were wrong: he was worried for Leia more than for Ben, and she couldn’t understand how could he not think of the man who had once been a friend.

That’s when the murmurs starts again, employee talking of what happened as if it had been just another action of a spoiled child, banging his spoon on the table and demanding attention. Rey was appealed, at the others and at herself. She, too, had never commented on it, but in her mind she had always partially agree when everyone murmured how Poe was the child Leia and Han deserved, how Ben was not… but do parents _deserve_ children? Her own life experience leads her to say no, that if anything, children deserve better parents.

She can’t also get out of her mind the fact that he’ll have another scar. _Another_ , because Ben Solo already had a very visible scar, right across his face, from the accident he had while driving away from Snoke. His scars were so visible, right in front of her, and Rey still missed it. Everyone had. A pain so sharp, so large, to take over all of his life. And piece by piece the image of Ben Solo that she had in her mind begins to crumble before shattering completely after a week, when a tall redhead with hard eyes enters the office as if he owns it.

‘Is he dead?’ he asks.

‘What?’ Finn asks confused.

‘No’ Poe answer is hard, his gaze unforgiving, understanding exactly what the redhead is asking. ‘Now leave’

The man huffs, unimpressed.

‘Pity’ he says before turning around.

‘You wanted him to die?’ Rose asks shocked at such cruelty before the redhead can cross the door and leave.

‘He’s useless’ the man says before leaving for good, as if he was talking of a broken thing.

Ben Solo wasn’t a broken thing, but he certainly was a broken man.

‘That was Armitage Hux, Snoke’s right hand’ Connix whispers.

Even Ben Solo’s past seems more complicated than Rey had previously thought. Everything about him seems much more complicated, his experience so widely different from hers, yet so similar it makes her lose sleep at nigh.

When Leia comes back to work after two weeks, somehow, her presence seems to make most of the employees of Resistance forget what had happened, how Ben’s absence was not only abnormal but scary. Rey seems to be the only one who couldn’t get what happened out of her head, Holdo crying, the blood on Lando’s fine shirt, an anger in Maz’s words like she had never heard before… she had been desperate, too, once, but never in the way Ben had been. In a similar but different way. She also couldn’t understand how people could just forget, but after some research online, it appeared to be a common reaction.

But _still._

‘Is Ben… better?’ she asks Leia a couple of days later, when they are alone in her office. The woman looks almost startled, and Rey thinks that maybe she is the first to ask. Rey knows Poe keeps asking her if she is okay, if she needs anything, and so does Holdo, but no one ever asks about Ben.

As if he wasn’t the one hurting, as if he was a ghost she alone could see. Only to think that brings tears to her eyes, a sharp pain in her chest. Emphatically she can understand how Ben feels, his isolation. After all, she, too, had been a ghost for a long time, scavenging from what others threw away.

‘Not really, but he’ll be back soon… I think it will do him good, be with people’ Leia says almost absentmindedly, as if she was speaking to herself instead that with Rey.

And Rey, she somehow doubts those words are true. She doubts very much that coming back to work will help Ben in any way, but she says nothing. Although probably she should. Can’t Leia see, how people at Resistance see her son? How easily they forgot about him? How easily they ignored him?

‘Some time with friends might also help’ she adds, because he certainly had no friends at Resistance.

At that, Leia’s face is riddled with worries.

‘He doesn’t have anyone’ she says barely loud enough for Rey to hear.

Those words make her heart sink a little bit. She knows how that feels, too.

After that, she waits for news on Ben Solo anxiously. Rey stops drawing, pretending to carefully study her schematics, every time Leia receives a call, or when she whispers with Holdo. From that, she learns that he’s home, Threepio and his husband Artoo keeping an eye on him.

Her respect for both Han and Leia diminishes when she see them staying at the office even after closing time, and when she finds them already there when she arrives early to begin her working day.

Why are they not with Ben? She cannot help but wonder, while it becomes almost painful to think of him back in the big Organa house on his own, constantly watched by the old butler and his husband as if they were afraid he would steal the silverware.

Another week passes, and when Rey comes in early on Monday, she finds herself alone in the office, Leia and Han shouting at each other around the corridors, incapable to have an argument while remaining still. She walks to Leia’s desk without really meaning to, but her legs bring her there. On the polished mahogany desk there’s only a small file out of place, the pages crumpled as if it had been read again and again. Rey takes it into her hands, and she finds herself staring at the transcript of Ben Solo’s discussion with the hospital psychiatrist.

The first few pages are just a series of question, answered by Ben by simple _yes_ or _no_ , but the psychiatrist is good, and the more Rey reads, the more Ben opens up, his silent tragedy unfolding in front of her eyes. There was neglect, during his childhood, a series of nannies, including one who apparently almost stabbed him. Difficulty in making friends, the constant comparison with Poe so painful Ben could barely stand being in a room with him. And this is just the beginning: at fourteen he was already depressed, Han and Leia’s arguments about him a constant, whispers behind closed doors that he could hear very well. Somehow, they decided to send him to Luke instead that into therapy, a Luke very different from the one Rey knows now, still deep into his hippie phase. It was an error exacerbated by misunderstanding and miscommunication. One night Luke got stoned, badly, and nineteen years old Ben woke up to his uncle pointing a shotgun at him. After all the whispers between Han and Leia back home, he though they wanted him gone. After all, they had already sent him away.

So he packed his things and left for college in a hurry, sleeping on the streets of Boston until the campus opened and he was assigned a room. Rey knows Ben is difficult, but she also know he’s very smart and bright, so what she reads next is, somehow, even more painful of the account of Luke almost killing him under the influence of drugs. Snoke groomed him, used his insecurities and his pain against him to manipulate every aspect of his life for years, to the point Ben considered suicide for the first time. It was a voicemail by Han that gave him the strength to break away, but Ben admits to the psychiatrist that the night he got away is a blurred memory. Maybe the streets were covered with melted snow turned into ice, maybe he let go of the steering wheel on purpose, just for a moment, he couldn’t remember. But he got away, a scar on his face to prove it.

Although, coming back home hadn’t been painless. He didn’t know how to interact with people normally, how to trust. Snoke allowed no friends, no sympathy, he taught Ben that everything was always an attack, and he had to react accordingly. The void around him widened, or maybe it became more obvious, Poe’s success and the praises he received from his family a constant remainder of his failures. Everything lost sense, everything lost meaning, and he thought going for his throat would be quick. It would be over, and then he wouldn't be in pain anymore.

Rey is crying by the time she reaches the end, Han and Leia’s shouts continuing in the distance while she looks at the psychiatrist’s closing remarks: sever depression and anxiety, abandonment issue, trust issue, sever social isolation, past psychological abuse, severely touch starved… a list that practically is a mirror of her own, the one that was compiled after she forced herself to seek help when she was hired at Resistance, taking advantage of their health insurance.

She puts the file down and runs to the bathroom, feeling sick after what she read, and also because she just committed a huge breach or privacy. But the only thing she can think about is Ben Solo alone at home, Han and Leia shouting at each other and once more losing sight of where he really was, leaving him exactly when he needed them the most.

_Again._

# November

The yearly Halloween party at the office had been an awkward affair that year. Leia and Han weren’t speaking to each other after their huge fight a couple of weeks before, and Rey, now that she _knows_ , isn't able to completely excuse them. Or Luke (who apparently had aways minimised what had happened with Ben, the way the word _overreacting_ dripping with anger on Maz’s lips back on the forefront of Rey’s mind). Or Poe, who certainly looked at Leia as a second mother but refused to _see_ Ben. Even Finn and Rose, her two best friend, she couldn’t completely stand nowadays, for the way they thought Han stood high on a pedestal only because he was skilled at repairing engines; but Finn and Rose she could also forgive, because they didn’t know the whole story, only the facade by which she, too, had been fooled.

Only Maz seemed to share her anger. The small woman had been visiting Ben daily while ignoring the others, bringing him food from her restaurant accompanied by Lando, who still looked shaken by the events. Both Maz and Lando never married, never had children, and they both loved Ben as if he was their own, and Rey supposed they were a small consolation for Ben in Han and Leia’s absence. Because the two still spent more time at the office than at home.

She spent the majority of the party in a corner of the room, a drink in her hand while she absentmindedly picked at the loose threads on her cheap witch dress, Finn and Rose having given up days before at trying to figure out the reason for her sour mood. The next day, she walks into the office early like always, hoping to be distracted enough by work so that her mind could not wonder. It takes Rey a moment to realise that she isn’t alone as usual.

In the desk closest to Leia’s, the one next to the window that had remained empty for almost a month, is Ben Solo himself. He lost weight, he is pale, and this only enhances the angry purple bags under his eyes. There is an expression of defeat on his face, almost resignation while he lets his gaze wonder outside of the window, probably seeing nothing. It’s only when she puts down her bag that, startled by the noise, he turns, finally seeing her.

She can finally see him too, the thin red scar that marks the side of his neck, almost parallel to the one that marks his face.

Rey can clearly see him stiffen, as if he was preparing himself to receive a punch of some sort. He must have been scared to death, she realises, about the looks everyone was about to give him, and there was nothing Rey could do to stop what was coming. How Leia could miss all of this she doesn’t know.

‘I’m glad you’re back, Ben’ she says, not even surprised about how sincere she is.

He lowers his gaze immediately and instead of sitting down at her desk, Rey moves towards his.

‘I wanted your opinion on the Chandrillia project’ she says, and this is just another truth, because people at Resistance are bright, but Ben is nothing short of brilliant. She’s not so bad herself, so she can tell.

Rey takes the chair that is in front of Leia’s desk and drags it next to Ben’s, she sits down and unfolds the project in front of him while she tells him calmly everything he missed. Other people start coming in, and she can see the way anxiety rises in him - from the way he keeps rising his eyes from the project, looking at those who enter the room before quickly looking back down, how he fidgets with the pen in his hands… -.

‘Ben? What do you think?’ she asks forcing him to focus on her.

‘I… hm… this… ‘ he says before writing something down, something which she didn’t see before. It made her furious, _before_ , the way he could always see what inevitably ended in the dark corner of her vision, prompting her to counterattack with what she saw ended in the corner of his.

Now, though, the smile that comes to her lips is sincere, and Ben looks confused, briefly, before she can see him doubt her intentions. She leaves him after thanking him when Leia enters the office, but she steals glances at him for most of the day. He’s present, but only in body. Ben spends most of the time staring out of the window, and other than looking at him with sadness, Leia does nothing, which only angers Rey more.

Right before lunch, Poe startles Ben by letting a pile of files drop on his desk.

‘Can you look over them? You have a lot of catch up to do’ he says, and it’s not mean but somehow it is, in a sort of neutral way that Rey hates. She can do nothing but watch while Ben is constantly scrutinised with pity and dislike by the whole office staff at regular intervals, while he looks at Poe, briefly, biting the inside of his cheeks before looking down and nodding. Then the office empties for lunch and Rey is the only who looks back at him.

He’s sitting at his desk, a hand over the pile of files that Poe just gave him, eyes wide while he looks at empty office around him, the emptiness around him suffocating, and _loud_. He looks lost, afraid. There’s an expression on his face that Rey can decipher immediately, it’s pain mixed with the certainty that he would be better off dead.

She barely makes it to the foyer before she decides to go back up, not to leave him alone, but when she gets back, he’s already gone. The pile of files is gone as well, which is the only reassurance she has.

* * *

Rey is the only one who actually _speaks_ to Ben.

After the first few days, when he gets over confusion and distrust, he simply accepts her company in silence unless she asks a question, and always by remaining as still as possible, as if he believed a sudden movement would lead her to run away. Rey asks his opinion on her every project multiple times a day, which, she can tell, confuses everyone at the office.

They, on the other hand, barely look at him, and when they do it’s for pitiful glances or for just shaking their head in disbelief. One late afternoon she even hears Kydel whisper the question of why he wasn’t in some psychiatric hospital, loud enough for Ben to hear. He bits his lips and pretends nothing happened, his hands shaking before he could hide them under the desk.

After a weeks of this, Leia corners her in the corridor after she returns from the bathroom.

‘Thank you, for what are you doing for Ben. I know you never had the best of relationships, but I appreciate you trying’ the woman says, and Rey can’t help but be angry.

‘At least I am doing something. Why are you…? You never speak to him!’

‘Rey… I… It’s complicated, and really, none of your business’

‘Can’t you just… see? For once? I know what it feels like, to feel like a ghost, to be lonely, and it was so damn painful I repressed it in any way I could, I still do. But I didn’t have my parents. You are here and you’re not even talking to him, after everything that happened you are just proving him right, his depression, and I can only imagine how _that_ must feel’

Rey talks with her fists closed, looking down, angry at Leia in a way that she didn’t though it was possible before the bubble exploded. When she raises her eyes, she finds the woman on the verge of tears, but she can’t find it in her to be too sad about it.

‘You know what happened?’ Leia asks in a whisper.

‘I know everything’ Rey answers, harder than she planned.

‘What’s going on here? Leia are you okay?’ Poe asks appearing from a door next to them.

‘Oh, we were just… talking about Ben’ Leia answers, her voice a bit uncertain.

‘Is there anything I can do? Anything that could help you?’ Poe eagerly asks moving near her, filling Rey with more anger with his blindness.

‘You’re full of bullshit, Poe’ she mutters before turning and walking away.

Four hours later, at the pub, that comment catches up with her. But Rey is too tired to fight Poe on it, to even try and explain to her friends what she is feeling. They wouldn’t understand, and how could they? She knows she can't fault them for it, but still, but still…

It makes her worry, the lack of empathy they have for Ben. Maybe it’s because she sees so much of herself in him that she is so involved, but the way they described what happened, waving it away as the act of a spoiled child asking for attention, as if what he did wasn't a tragedy at all… yeah, it worried her. It did because while Poe, Finn, and Rose never had simple lives themselves, this somehow didn’t make them more emphatic at how people could react in bad situations. Rey had seen it in Jakku, those who ended up hurt the most either became very quiet or very loud. Rey herself had been quiet, spending almost every hour of the day scavenging, exhausting her body so not to think. Ben had been loud, outbursts of rage to cover the pain.

‘I don’t know what got into you, peanut’ Finn says.

‘Whatever’ Rey says jumping down the stool and taking her jacket.

She walks out without looking back.

* * *

Every time Rey goes to her weekly appointment with her assigned therapist, she feels like it’s a waste of time. In the waiting room, she thinks it’s just the kind of thing she could never talk to Finn and Rose about. She doesn’t get Dr. Mothma insistence on focusing on her parents, on her thoughts on them through the years. They should talk more about Plutt, Rey thinks, the way he had treated her for years and years (it was abuse, she knows know, she didn’t back then) until she somehow managed to get away to college on a scholarship. Even if sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night thinking that maybe she should go back to Jakku, just to check if anyone came looking for her… Dr. Mothma insistence is not warranted. It’s not _that_ important.

Anyway, lately she has used the sessions mostly to talk about what had happened to Ben, how it had tilted her world upside down, uncovering how lonely and out of place she still felt in Hanna City even after years, how even though she _loves_ Rose and Finn, their friendship, there were things that she couldn’t discuss with them because they wouldn't understand, expanding her loneliness.

The door of the waiting room closes gently, and Rey looks up only to see Ben Solo look right back at her, her surprise reflected in his eyes. There are two doors in the waiting room, one for Dr. Mothma and one for Dr. Ahsoka, and she wonders which one he will go through.

Ben sits down in front of her, clearly uncomfortable, and not only because the chair - like every chair - seems too small for his massive figure. He simply nods in acknowledgement of her, and Rey does the same.

For a couple of minutes they are sitting in silence, just like at the office when they are both very early, and Rey can see his scarred knuckles. She had noticed them before, in the brief moments in which she forces him to talk to her, and she supposes they are from using the punching bag regularly, although without protections. Rey went to the gym pretty regularly as well, it was supposed to help, but somedays it didn’t.

‘I’m with Mothma’ she says suddenly, filling the silence between them.

‘Ahsoka’ he answers, looking at her while blinking in confusion, clearly surprised by finding her there. She wonders if this discovery has tilted his vision of her like the events of the past month have drastically changed her vision of him.

‘I heard she’s good’

At that, he huffs, looking down at his feet.

‘Is she not?’ Rey asks again, genuinely interested.

Ben looks at her briefly, then he moves a hand through his hair, hesitant.

‘She sort of… sees me as a very personal project’ he says finally.

‘Oh? I thought… I mean, I’ve heard Poe saying that Mothma was the one that helped Leia after her adoptive parents died’ Rey regrets saying that immediately, but Ben doesn’t seem surprised that she knows so much.

‘Mh, yeah… Ahsoka… she was just at the beginning of her career when she met my grandfather. He killed himself a couple of days after one of their sessions, and then my grandmother died in childbirth so… I guess she just wants to… ‘ Ben says moving his hand a bit, and there’s no need for him to finish. Rey understands.

She forgot about the tragedy that marked his family. It was said that Anakin Skywalker killing himself had ended up killing part of Padmé as well, sending her into an early labour which she didn't survive. It was the reason Luke and Leia grew up apart, why Leia was an Organa while Luke still had the Skywalker surname.

It was a heavy topic, and Rey doesn’t want him to think too much about his failure where his grandfather had succeeded.

‘It feels like a waste of time somedays’ Rey murmurs looking down, thinking it might be okay to say this to Ben, even if they don’t know each other that well, thinking he might understand, and he does.

‘Yeah’ he agrees in that deep voice of his.

‘Medication might help, but they won’t change how my life is. There’s a void and it will always be there, it will just force me to look away in a different way’ she adds pushing further, not even knowing why, and she almost thinks he will answer like Dr. Mothma, listing the benefits of medication as if they would magically make her feel less lonely every Christmas when everyone has family and she doesn’t. She didn't meet with Mothma for that, she wanted to learn how to live it, with the hole that her parents had left inside her.

When he doesn’t answer, Rey looks up only to find Ben staring at her with so much intensity, she is almost left breathless. She thinks, not for the first time, that he has the most beautiful eyes, even under the unforgiving white lights of the waiting room, brown and warm.

‘Fake happiness’ he says in the end.

‘Fake happiness’ she repeats.

Then the two doors open and Dr. Ahsoka and Dr. Mothma look at them with curiosity before calling them in their respecting offices. They don't say goodbye.

The next morning, when she walks into the office, Ben looks away form his window and nods at her like he did the day before in the waiting room. Later, when she goes to ask fo his opinion, he finally speaks to her instead of writing down what he thinks.

* * *

Silently, she and Ben seem to agree on some sort of routine.   
In the mornings, they arrive early, and they share in a companionable silence the office until the others arrive. At least once during the morning, and once during the afternoon, Rey goes to his desk to ask for his opinion. Then every Thursday, at three o’clock, they meet in the waiting room in front or Dr. Mothma and Dr. Ahsoka’s offices. They talk very little in those occasions, but for Rey it’s the only moment when she can talk to someone other than Mothma about her own frustrations, and he seems to do the same, opening up a little more every time they meet.

_Finn and Rose, bless them, they don’t get why I don’t like crowded places.’_ or _’They are my friends, and I love them, but when I told them I didn’t like their surprise-hugs… they made me feel bad about it even if they didn’t meant to’_. And he responded with _’I’m just home alone most of the time’_ and then _’When I was young, I read like crazy, as if in books I could find some sort of answer for how I was feeling’_.

She doesn't know what’s about him that makes her open up so easily. It’s strange, because with Finn, and then Rose, it took _months_ for her even to mention her past, Jakku. With Ben, it happened the second time they met in the waiting room. She just opened her mouth and told him: _I don’t have a family, which is why I am here, my parents left me, I think, but that might have been a mistake’._ When she says it, he looks at her without pity, he seems to be almost filled with rage, indignation, not at _her_ but at her parents. It makes something inside her chest warm in a way she has never felt before.

It’s during one of these afternoons that things change for good, cementing her new feelings for him, because Rey feels closer to Ben than she has ever felt to anyone before.

‘The majority of my memories are just people leaving. Leia and Han for work, Luke because I was annoying him… with Snoke it was just people who pretended to be interested in me’ Ben says looking at the wall in front of him. ‘One time they forgot to pick me up at school, I waited for hours and when the teacher called their office, Leia answered that they payed the school enough to look after me for a couple of hours more, that they had a big project coming up and they would come when they had time. The teacher thought I didn't heard, he took pity and gave me some candy.’

They sit side by side now, and Rey looks at his profile without being able to breath, remembering with crystal clarity the way the old dark grey car speeded away towards the sun, leaving a cloud of dust behind while Plutt held her arm painfully, a smaller version of herself screaming at faceless parents to _just_ come back.

‘Yeah’ she manages to say ‘I know _exactly_ how that feels’.

She must have sounded so wrecked - she always is when that memory crosses her mind - because he turns immediately to look at her, curiosity and concern on his face.

‘I wish you didn’t’ it’s his answer.

After a lifetime of people telling her ‘ _I’m sorry, that must have been very hard’_ , the sincerity of his words, which do not contain pity, is refreshing and welcome.

‘Have coffee with me? After?’ she mumbles too fast, looking away from those deep dark eyes of his.

She wants more, but she can barely admit it to herself. She doesn't even know where she finds the courage to ask him.

‘I’m not… at my best, afterwards’ he murmurs moving a hand through his hair, in a telltale sign of anxiety that she is beginning to recognise.

‘Me too, but I thought…’

’Yeah…’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yes’ he repeats, the shadow of a small smile curving his lips in answer to the one she couldn’t stop from touching hers.

The door to Ahsoka’s office opens, revealing the doctor clad in her usual white dress, forcing Ben to stand up. While he’s almost through the door, Mothma opens hers as well, inviting Rey in.

Afterwards, Rey waits outside for Ben more annoyed than anxious. It’s Mothma’s fault, her constant questions about what she thought about her parents, why she still considered Jakku somewhat permanent even if she lived far-away… Fortunately, Ben comes out of the practice before she can think about it some more and definitely ruin her day, but he looks pale, and she knows immediately that Ahsoka must have pocked around something painful.

‘Hey’

‘Hey’

They both stand awkwardly around each other for a moment, their hands in the pockets of their coats against the cold mid-November air.

‘How about the place across the street?’ she asks, and Ben just nods walking beside her. She might be imagining it, but maybe he has his hands in his pockets because he is shaking lightly.

Being courageous once more, Rey grabs his arm with the pretence of staying close to him while they cross the street. She lets go when they are in front of the cafe, afraid of pushing too much, maybe reading too much into it, but Ben doesn't seem bothered at all. He seems better than some moments ago, although it is probably because there is some physical distance between him and the practice, Dr. Ahsoka and her questions.

Rey had been to the cafe before, several times, actually, since she started with Mothma. She comes every time she has a hard session, for a tea or something sweet to calm her down before she goes home. The couple that owns the place, Chirrut and Baze, smile kindly at them from behind the counter.

Ben clears his throat, suddenly awkward once more.

‘What, uh, would you like? My treat’

‘Oh, just… some tea, maybe a cookie?’ she didn’t expected him to offer. It is still so strange for her, to have people offer her real food, good food, without any kind of reason behind it beside the fact that they wanted to.

‘Coming right up’ Chirrut says moving with certainty around the counter even though he was completely blind, grabbing exactly the cookie that Rey likes the most. Ben has a black coffee, and they sit at a table in an angle of the cafe, a rather private spot.

‘Hard session?’ she asks picking at her cookie. When he nods, she offers him a piece.

He chews on it slowly, clearly thinking about what he is about to ask or say.

‘Somehow it’s always harder when I have to talk about Luke than when I have to talk about Snoke’

‘I can only imagine’ she says with anger, because she still can’t understand how Luke could have done such a thing.

‘Poe told you?’ Ben asks looking down at his coffee.

‘Yeah’ Rey lies, looking away.

‘I thought you were talking to me out of pity, like I am some sort of charity case’ he admits, and Rey is almost offended.

'You know how I can be’ she says referring to the arguments they had _before_ , ‘I would never’

'That's exactly because of how things were... before, that I don't understand’ Ben says looking down at his coffee, then glancing towards the entrance of the coffee shop briefly before continuing in a whisper, his brow furrowed in sincere confusion ‘people don't like me’

Rey bits the inside of her cheeks. The only way to get through this, is to be honest with herself and Ben.

'I didn't like you. You were... aggressive, but Finn describes me in almost the same way when he talks about how we first met. After... _after,_ I realised that most of all, what made me dislike you, fight you even when your opinions were good - and, by the way, you have to work on delivery - was the fact that you seemed to have everything I always wanted and never had, you know, a family. But Mothma always says that I am projecting, and I may have projected a lot with Han and Leia’.

When she says that, Ben looks sincerely uncomfortable, and she can't understand why.

'They would have disappointed you’ he states, his jaw clenching, and it is the first time since he came back that she can see traces of his old anger in him. ‘I don't know what you imagine, but... their fights were not funny when I was a child. Han left more often than not, and work has always took precedence over everything for Leia’ Ben’s hands are shaking, he’s clearly distressed.

It’s with a sting of pain that Rey realises he’s expecting her to attacking him, to tell him that it's not true, that he’s wrong and that what he feels doesn't matter. She wonders how many people have done that before.

'I think I am beginning to see that they are not perfect’ she says, and Ben seems to calm down a little.

'They were - they are - good people, but not good parents. I was just a mistake after a drunken night of celebration’.

There's some sort of resignation in Ben’s voice, and Rey doesn't know what's it for exactly. Is he, like her, constantly grieving what his childhood could have been and never was? All the hours, days, months, lost in sadness and in the poor coping mechanism her mind concocted to survive? It hits her somewhat out of nowhere that he’s probably resigned at the idea of never having been loved, that he never will be. It's like his first day back at the office all over again, when she looked back and she was part, albeit briefly, of his excruciating pain, of his loneliness, and now she is part of his view of the future, which is as black as his coffee. He is so open, so readable, yet untouchable as if he was stuck under a glass dome; nothing she could have said can reach him, she thinks with sadness.

Rey decides to try anyway.

'If I had knew we had so much in common, we could have been friends sooner’ she says, breaking another piece of her cookie and offering it to him.

Ben takes it willingly in his big hand, eyes wide in surprise once again.

It's only after she gets home, under the hot stream of water of the shower, that she realises that, for the first time in her whole life, she has shared her food with someone else, willingly. She has never done it, not even with Finn and Rose, because even if she had money now, and a pantry stuffed weekly, old habits died hard. They seemed to die easily enough whenever Ben was close by.

* * *

'Why are you _trying_ so hard with Ben Solo?’ Finn asks.

They are in a boot in the pub near Resistance, and Rey had agreed to come given how cold her interactions had been with her friends since she left abruptly a couple of days before, because of her words to Poe.

Rey has been nursing her beer for the past ten minutes without taking even a sip of it, and Rose is clearly looking at her with her best ‘worried mom’ look. Poe is next to her, stealing side glances as if he was expecting her to challenge him to a duel or something.

'I am not’ she says in the end ‘we just understand each other’

'One would have never guessed given your history of shouting matches’ Finn says, clearly sceptical, Rose nodding along.

Rey would like to tell him all, to make him see how her past and Ben’s were totally different yet similar, and they just understand each other, she feels like she can talk to him about everything. All of her usual fears seem to disappear, and she feels… she feels safe with him, and happy when they weren't discuss heavy subjects from their past. He can also make her laugh, because he is smart and with a nice sense of humour when depression didn't drain the life out of him. Beyond the darkness, the pain, the open aggression as a coping mechanism, she had begun to discover that Ben has a big heart: he loves with all his heart and he can’t help it. In anger and pain, he called his mother Leia, his father Han, but Ben still loves them so much it is a contradiction his brain could not get fully around .

'I could very well ask you all why do you look at him as if he killed your dog’ she wants to say, ‘why are you all treating him like a traitor because Leia was hurt while ignoring the fact that Leia was hurt _because_ her son decided he would be better off dead. Which is, you know, not a nice thing. Even you Poe... you always ask Leia how she is. How about you ask Ben that, your old childhood friend. By the way, how come you never mentioned how Luke tried to kill him?’

That is what Rey wanted to say, but after she takes a sip of her beer she says, simply: ‘I remember very well how it feels like to be desperate’

They all remain silent, and they all look uncomfortable. Weirdly, she wants to laugh.

'He’s also very nice once you get to know him’ she adds, trying to restore the mood a bit.

'Maybe we could invite him to join us, one evening’ Poe proposes with a light smile.

'When we do that we also invite Kydel, I refuse to be outnumbered in such a manner by boys’ Rose says making them laugh.

* * *

The table at the back of Chirrut and Baze’s cafe becomes, somehow, theirs. And maybe it’s crazy, but given how the table is always free every time they are there, even though the cafe is full of people, Rey is almost certain of the fact that Chirrut really had reserved it for them. It wasn't like the old man wouldn't do that.

Unexpectedly, even when she tries to protest, Ben ends up always paying for their order, but what is more shocking still, is the discovery that Chirrut and Baze know Ben. And none of them ever mentioned it, or gave her any indication of the fact.

'They were sort of close to Luke, when he had just met Leia’ Ben says as a way of explanation.

That day they had just entered the semi deserted coffee shop when Chirrut simply said: ‘Jyn and Cassian are coming, and Cassian wants to talk to you’.

'And this Cassian is...?’ she asks carefully, trying to see if this is a good thing or not. The way Ben’s eyes light up a bit only at the mention of the name gives her confirmation that it is a good thing, this coming visit.

'Family friends, of sort. Jyn’s brother, Bodhi, was Luke’s boyfriend for a period when they were young. Cassian is Jyn’s husband, he was... well, there’s no way to get around this. He is a former spy, Jyn was a, uh, art thief, of sorts’.

'Holy shit I cannot wait to meet them’ Rey exclaims, unable to contain herself. ‘Is this like a Mr and Mrs Smith kind of situation?’

Ben huffs a laugh, moving a hand through his hair, and Rey is spellbound because... yeah, he’s beautiful, especially under the warm lights of the cafe, especially when he smiles like that, his eyes shining.

'I don’t think anyone but them knows the truth about that. I mean, Chirrut, Baze and Bodhi were all involved when Jyn and Cassian first met so...’

'Are you saying I can bribe Chirrut with chocolate cookies?’ she says mostly to see him laugh again, and he does, although it disappears rather quickly.

'Cassian had a problem similar to mine’ he says looking down, fidgeting with his cup of coffee. ‘He and Jyn don't come often, but the older I became the more Cassian began to check on me’

‘So, he recognised it’ Rey murmurs, and Ben nods.

'He called a lot when I was with Snoke, he told me so many times that he would get me out, I just had to say the word. I sent him a text when I actually did and… and he was the one who took care of things while I was in the hospital, after the accident, making sure Snoke would leave me alone for good. I just hope he doesn't feel guilty. He’s… I mean, he was in a war, so he had, like, serious reasons for thinking… not like me. I don’t know why he doesn’t think I am just a spoiled child throwing a tantrum for attention, like everyone else’

Without even realising it, Rey reaches across the table and takes his hand in hers. He’s so warm, and soft, and it makes her breath catch in her throat. Ben, too, seems equally surprised.

He opens his mouth a couple of times, as if to say something, but no sounds comes out. It doesn't matter, they stay just like that, in silence, with their hands laced together until it’s time to go. And this is how Rey finds out that she really, _really_ , doesn’t mind touching him, on the contrary, she thinks they should do it more.

Unfortunately, it never happens again, because of the office being what it is, and she rests her hopes on their time at the cafe after the session even if, the more they meet, the more she wants. She wants more time, more than the Thursday afternoons they spend soothing each other’s pain after their sessions.

It’s the last Thursday of November, and when she sits near him in the waiting room, she wonders how to ask him for it, for more. She plans to do it after, at their table, maybe while holding his hand, but when they finally reach it after a surprisingly light session for the both of them, the cafe looks as if it's closed.

Baze opens the door, seeing them cross the street, and invites them in with a grunt.

Apart from Chirrut, there are only two other people sitting at the counter, a middle aged woman with greying brown hair tied in a low bun, and a man, his skin slightly darker than Poe’s, short black hair greying at the sides. Rey has never seen them, but she knows they are the famous Jyn and Cassian.

Jyn has a little smile on her face when she turns to greet Ben, and there is a warmth to the way she embraces him, a fire, even though she is almost dwarfed against Ben, like everyone seems to always be.

Cassian rises form the stool with careful movements. His gaze reminds her of Ben’s in a way, who is now almost petrified next to her, waiting for the old man to approach him.

'Let’s go talk’ Cassian says moving to an angle of the cafe, a heavy Mexican accent to his words, which are slow and careful like his movements.

If Ben hadn't told her that Cassian was a former spy, she would have never guesses. His careful eyes, his controlled movements, she would have just dismissed them as the actions of someone who likes to be in control of themselves, but this was a man who studied everything he saw with great care.

'Sit with me Rey, they will be okay’ Jyn says with a British accent that takes Rey by surprise.

They sit at one of the larger tables, so that there is space even for Chirrut and Baze while right across from them, Cassian begins to speak to Ben. They are completely different: Ben is huge, and Cassian is skinny looking compared to him, but it is clear that Ben holds Cassian in high regard. It has nothing to do with Cassian’s military record, with some fantasy about how the life of a spy would be, Rey knows. It has everything to do with the way Cassian is capable to control himself, to hide his emotions form the world. Ben hates his tantrums as much as everyone else, hates the way people seem to be able to read him so easily, and Rey knows that he thinks that the latter was his biggest fault, what had allowed Snoke to control him for so many years. She hoped Cassian - and Ahsoka - were telling him that it was Snoke who was at fault, not him.

‘So, Rey’ Jyn begins commanding her attention ‘Chirrut told me a lot about you, he has a weak spot for gossip’

Rey blushes, she doesn’t really know what to say. What could Chirrut have possibly said?

‘You have some things in common, I just pointed it out’ Chirrut says reaching for his cup of tea, Baze scoffs.

‘Oh?’ Rey is suddenly nervous, and stirs her tea far too long than necessary to avoid looking up.

‘I was alone on the streets for a long time as well. I think Cassian described me as _feral_ in his first report’ the woman says and Rey looks up immediately.

‘He was already bewitched’ Baze exclaims, looking grumpy as usual but somewhat amused, making Jyn smile.

The anxiety Rey had been feeling disappears, and she wants to know more, more about this group of people and what looks like an incredible story. They are not asking direct questions, and Rey thinks it’s because they already know what’s there to know about her and Ben. Whether it is because of Cassian’s spy training or Chirrut’s gossip she doesn’t know.

‘Can I… ask you something?’ Rey says carefully, looking into Jyn’s green eyes.

‘Of course’

‘Did you… knew about Luke?’

At that, the mood of the table shifts. Chirrut’s expression becomes hard, and she couldn’t say if it was hate, rage, disappointment or all three. Baze’s eyes are clearly marked by anger, while Jyn seems very sad, holding in her hand the crystal that was around her neck in a worn leather cord.

‘We heard… we heard too late’ she says looking towards Ben and Cassian ‘we were in Mexico at the time, a long overdue trip for Cassian. He did call Leia, telling her that sending Ben away wasn’t the best idea, but she trusted Luke. She thought he knew what he was doing. You see, at the time, Luke was yes, in his hippie phase as you would say, but he had also been a serious student of an old asian religion centred on finding inner peace’

‘ _My religion_ ’ Chirrut said taking over ‘and Lyra’s, Jyn’s mother. Few know of it here, it was far more popular where we are from… but I remember when Obi Wan came to the temple of Jedha before it was destroyed by the new government, offering us shelter in case we needed it, and we did. We moved here when the army began to purge the monks. Luke came to me after Obi Wan’s death, looking for a teacher. My religion… it’s about peace, but it’s also centred around a very effective fighting style. It was custom to have children initiated around the age of twelve at a temple, like me and Baze were, and Luke reinstated the practice here, in the mountains, or at least he tried. He wanted to be a good teacher, but he made mistakes’

‘Huge mistakes’ Baze remarked.

‘He forgave so many of those who took part in the war Palpatine started’ Jyn continued, still clenching her crystal ‘but he somehow thought Ben was evil beyond saving, only because he had never been plagued by depression and loneliness the way Ben had been, still is. At first he lied, he said Ben attacked him and fled after starting a fire that almost burned down the whole forest and killed his other students. Cassian… well, Cassian can spot lies, and the moment he was able to be face to face with him the truth came out: he had a thing for drugs, for reaching Nirvana or shit like that, and ended up almost shooting Ben in his sleep. Fortunately, he woke up, knocked Luke down and ran outside. Other students asked what happened and some believed him. While Luke was unconscious, Ben packed his things and ran away, one of the students that believed him started a fire. Needles to say, for a long period no one believed Ben but us, they were all blinded by Luke’s reputation as this… what is it that you kids say these days? Cinnamon roll? But Bodhi, oh, Bodhi had been furious, and Luke admitted _partialy_ to his wrongdoing. But the damage was done, and Snoke had Ben’.

Rey looks down when Jyn finished, hiding the tears that were threatening to fall.

‘We’ll never know for sure what Snoke did to Ben’ Chirrut says interrupting the silence.

‘What do you mean?’ Rey asks, immediately worried by that statement.

The expression on Jyn’s face tells her that she is right to feel that way.

‘Cassian looked into him, this Snoke, of course, and there were records of… accusations, that were raised and suspiciously dropped almost immediately against him, of abuse against boys. Ben always denied, he said it was always psychological, only some lingering touches here and there… I really hope he is telling the truth’.

‘Ahsoka will find out’ Chirrut says but Rey is already far way with her mind.

She looks at Ben and Cassian across the room, at the way the old man seems distant, yet she can tell his words are touching Ben profoundly. Rey remembers with clarity the way Plutt had looked at her chest when her growth sprout began, and she still doesn’t know how, but because of a stroke of luck Plutt had been more drunk than sober after that, preventing him to act against her in _that_ way at least.

‘I wish he was dead’ she murmurs talking of Snoke. It would make Ben feel better, like she felt better when she discovered Plutt died, his body found after weeks only because he began to stink under Jakku’s unforgiving sun.

‘I always tell Cassian he should have killed him’ Baze mutters serving another cup of tea to everyone at the table but Rey, who still hasn’t touched her first one.

‘Don’t worry, we made sure his life wouldn’t be easy, what little of it he has left anyway’ Jyn says, her eyes hard with hate.

* * *

After they are done talking, Ben looks tired, but not in the way he usually is after he talks with Ahsoka. Cassian has a light smile on his lips, and he finally directs his attention to her.

‘You remind me a lot of Jyn when she was young, although I don’t think you ever kicked the asses of three policeman in a back alley’ he says, his brown eyes set on her and Rey… she honestly has no idea how to answer _that_.

‘She does that, but with her words, when she wants to’ Ben says with a little smile, and she blinks at him surprised, blushing, while Jyn laughs.

Fortunately, they say their goodbyes after that. Jyn embraces Ben again, and Cassian pats him on the shoulder, both demanding he calls more often before they leave to go to Chirrut and Baze’s house, leaving Ben and Rey alone in the parking lot across the street from the cafe, near the practice. It’s already dark, but it’s barely six-thirty, and Rey hugs herself to try to shake off the cold.

‘How was it?’ she asks looking at him somewhat shyly, afraid he will catch her eyes and make her blush again.

‘Okay, I guessed. He’s… not angry, he tried to… make me see things in a new light. I never wanted them to be hurt’ he ends the sentence in a whisper, looking away.

Rey reaches for him instinctively, her hand closing around his arm right above his elbow. His head turns immediately, looking at her with that intensity that was distinctively _Ben_.

‘They love you, of course they were hurt, of course they are worried’

Ben looks at her in a way she can’t decipher, sadness, confusion, doubt… but he moves closer, and Rey would like nothing better than to close the distance between them, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him close while he did the same.

‘You came with the bus?’ he asks and Rey nods, trying to hide her disappointment.

‘If you’d like you could… come... uh, the books, I mean, to see my books. God, that sounds... awful’ Ben asks looking anywhere but at her, a hand on the back of his neck ‘Han and Leia are at a dinner with a partner or something, so…’

It’s not... he’s clearly not trying to convey any double meaning, it’s quite possible one of the worst pick-up line she has ever heard, if it is one, but _it’s not_ , because she may be head over heels, but he’s _not_ , but somehow it makes her go red like a pepper anyway.

She huffs a laugh to blame her colour on the cold.

'Yeah, let’s go, I’m freezing’

They walk to his car and the ride to the Organa house is a silent one, but not in an uncomfortable way. There is no need to fill the silence, they are together and it is enough and Rey imagines, just for a moment, what it would be, if this is one of those moments that people describe with the word ‘domesticity’, because she has never known what that feels like. What she knows, is that she doesn’t want to go, she wants to stay with Ben.

The Organa mansion is as big as she remembers. She has been there once years before, for a big Thanksgiving party Leia organised for the company. It felt like a castle, back then, and she looked at Ben with irritation while he moved around like a grumpy prince unhappy with peasants making their way into his dining room. Now she knows he must have been really uncomfortable that night, she wonders if he constantly was, in a house too large that probably did nothing but remind him how lonely he was.

He leads her upstairs, to his room, she realises, blushing. A stream of very inappropriate thoughts suddenly filling her brain, expectation and fear making her body shiver. Rey has never been a teenager, not in the way cheesy movies portrayed; she has been a teenager more in the dystopian young adult novel kind of way, fighting for survival at the edge of the desert. She never had the chance to properly feel like this, her brain suddenly coming to a halt and thinking of nothing but Ben, Ben and his lips, Ben and his huge chest, Ben and his warm hands…

He opens the door to his room and lets her in first, his cheeks slightly red while he murmurs excuses for the mess. The room is _full_ of books. There is a library full of them, and stacks everywhere. Surprisingly, there are also a lot of plants in mismatched vases, green leaves of all shapes and sizes, and a pile of blankets and pillow on a window seat that overlooks the garden behind the house. She makes a point to ignore the huge bed in the centre of the room, but the white of the duvet cover against the warm browns of the wood which covered the walls and floor made it really difficult. The ceiling was high since the room was on the last floor, and there were other windows beside the one with the window seat. The room must have been inundated by light during the day, and Rey is surprised by the aesthetic of it. It looks Scandinavian, in furniture and organisation, in a way she has seen only on interior design magazines at the store or on Pinterest before. It is also at odds with the rest of the house, which has more of a smart-modern victorian style to it.

‘This is… I’ve never seen so many books, except, maybe, in a library’ Rey says finally. She feels Ben’s tension even without turning to look at him.

‘I told you I liked to read’ he sounds apologetic, and she knows he probably has a hand in his hair, lovely messing them up while trying to keep his anxiety in check.

‘Yeah, no kidding’

Rey moves towards his desk with a small smile, looking with fascination at the stacks of papers, and at the long line of small bottles of colourful inks, barely brushing with the tips of her finger the various pens that were scattered on it, with weird looking tips.

‘What is this?’ she asks.

Ben comes up from behind her, and he’s almost… he’s so close she can feel his warmth, barely a step back and her back would be against his chest, and she…

‘I may have a thing for calligraphy’ he says, moving closer but not yet touching her.

He moves some of the papers away, uncovering pages filled with a calligraphy so fine it is worthy of the finest medieval manuscripts.

‘It’s beautiful’ she murmurs tracing the contour of a highly ornate letter ’T’ that marks the beginning of a page. She can feel Ben behind her, his chest barely touching her back, his hand almost touching hers on the desk. Rey has never wanted to be touched more than in that moment, she wishes he would just fill the space, his hand warm on her stomach, keeping her close, maybe while he nuzzles his face against her neck.

‘Do you like reading?’ he asks stepping back, clearing his throat, and Rey feels cold.

‘Sort of. I like stories, but I never have the patience to just sit and read, I’ve never been the type. I listen to a lot of audiobooks, though’

‘So it’s a yes’

‘I’m surprise you aren’t lecturing me about how audiobooks are not books’ she says turning around, and finding Ben not too far from her, a small smile on his lips.

‘A book is always a book. You can read it or you can listen to it being read to you, the story is always the same. Do you have a favourite book?’

Rey looks around at the stacks of books a little self conscious.

‘I like Harry Potter for, uh… obvious reasons I guess’ she says ‘but I never found _the_ book’

'There’s a book for everyone’ he says looking around, as if looking for something.

'What’s mine?’ she asks without even realising it, and Ben smiles.

'It’s obvious, really’

'Oh, is it?’

'Jane Eyre, you will love it’ he says going toward the stack of books that is near his bedside table, moving a succulent in a brown vase that sits on the top of it. He takes out from the middle of the stack a paperback with a dark cover and one of those old portraits on it.

'Read it to me’ she asks, before her anxiety can stop her.

Ben remains still for a moment, and Rey thinks that she fucked up, he’s going to laugh and ask her to leave, and…

‘C’mon…’ he says instead, nodding towards the window seat.

He moves the blanket and the cushions, making space so they can both sit on it. Rey hugs her legs against her chest, and she looks at Ben while he makes himself comfortable sitting with his legs crossed. For the first time in her life, Rey understands the meaning of the word cozy. That is how Ben’s room feels, while it’s dark and cold outside, and the lights around them are warm and soft. His voice is something else, deep and beautiful while he begins to read, and something blooms in her chest at the thought that he choose this book because he thinks she might love it; that he is taking the time to just sit down and read it to her.

‘ _There was no possibility of taking a walk that day…’_

* * *

He is right.

Barely five pages into the book Rey knew Ben is right, she already loves it, she already loves Jane and sees so much of herself in her it she can feel her pain deeply, especially her privations at Lowood. When they reach the chapter in which Miss Temple leaves and Jane decides to advertise in the Harold, Rey asks Ben to stop. She doesn’t want to go, she isn’t tired, she could listen to him for hours, she wishes… she could hear him murmur sweet nonsense in her hear while she falls asleep on his chest…

The fact that he guessed she would love Jane makes her realise that he understood her better than he could express with words, and she just burns to know more about him, what he could reveal to her with books that he wasn’t yet able to tell her about in his own words.

'What is your favourite?’ she asks closing the books in his hands, her voice barely louder than a whisper. She lets her hand linger on his, and Ben looks at her for a long time, clearly thinking hard about it. Rey almost has the time to think, once again, that she has overstepped some sort of boundary, but her thoughts are derailed when it looks like Ben’s eyes fall to her lips for a second before he stands up.

He goes straight for the library that takes up an entire wall of the room, and reaches without hesitation for a book that seems slightly bigger than Jane Eyre, a white and green cover with black silhouettes.

Ben opens it up and skims through the pages quickly, reaching almost the end of the book before he stops. She doesn't know if the page is signed or if the quote is so important to him that he just _knows_. Somehow she thinks it might be the latter.

‘ _One day, he said, one day, when we’re back here together, I’ll show you the true magic of a dark room…’_

_’And what is that?’_

_’When you print by contact… when you lay the negative on the paper and watch them come to life… the darkness of the one becomes the light of the other. The first time I saw it happen I thought, what must it be like to touch like this?… with such utter absorption?… For one thing to become irradiated with the shadows of another?’_

He doesn’t look at her when he closes the book, but Rey can’t take her eyes off him. Her heart is pounding in her chest and it feels like… it feels like they have both been torn open, so that she can see into his soul as much he can see into hers.

She stands up and walks to him, and she thinks that this is it… that maybe they can take the final step and he truly wouldn’t mind, that he, too, wished…

Rey barely has the time to put her hand on the book that he is still holding when they hear a series of door slamming, Han and Leia’s bickering, calling for Ben.

He leaves the book in her hand and walks outside the room, to let his parents know that he is alive, and home. Rey looks down at it, at _The Glass Palace_ and wonders about the characters briefly before putting it back in its place, sandwiched between a Terry Pratchett’s book titled _Mort_ and Ferenc Karinthy’s _Metropole_.

It is kind of awkward when she walks out, greeting Han and Leia (who doesn’t look surprised to see her here). It gets even more awkward when Ben explains that Jyn and Cassian came to see him, the fracture between those who had once been good friends extremely visible.

Rey can breath again only when she’s in Ben’s car, but it’s only when he stops in front of her apartment building that they speak again.

‘Do they have a happy ending?’ she asks.

‘Who?’

’The characters, the ones from _The Glass Palace_ ’

There’s a sad smile on Ben’s lips at that.

‘There’s the war, while that happens’ he says clearly thinking of the piece of dialogue he read to her.

’So, no…’ Rey concludes, suddenly deeply sad.

‘It’s grey, bittersweet, like most things in life’

She decides to leave it at that. Not that she is satisfied, but there’s little she can do about it. It takes her a while to get out of the car simply because she just wants to spend more time with him, and it’s a new feeling. Even with Finn and Rose after a while she gets tired, she has to go home and ‘recharge’, alone. Not with Ben, their time together never seems enough.

* * *

The next day, Ben is more relaxed than she has ever seen him. He is, in no way, smiling at everyone or anything like that. Well, he smiles at _her_ , which makes her heart stop a couple of times. In general, the last days of November feel light despite the cold, despite the darkness coming as early as four pm. She talks to Ben in the corridors of Resistance now, not only at his desk about projects, and it is lighter subjects than the pains of their past. She loves to hear him talk about this book he found, about this plant that has a new leaf, or his thoughts on the last project they were working on. He doesn’t seem to mind her ramblings on food and cars, her passion for the races and so much more. She literally blurts out what’s on her mind and Ben listens, he smiles with her and occasionally laughs.

They are still the same. He is still grumpy and headstrong, she is still reckless and impulsive, but it was as if all of a sudden they had found this common ground, beyond all of it, which contained all of it. Rey never knew what it meant falling in love, or to love in that intense way she saw in movies, books, songs… but love begins to became a synonyms for Ben Solo, and she doesn’t even know how it happens. Just like Jane disliked Mr. Rochester until she didn’t. She doesn’t know what to do with it, and when she says this to Rose, her friend just laughs.

‘No one knows, Rey’ she says, which for Rey is the most useless comment _ever_.

Finn and Poe are of no help either, still looking at her with big eyes and completely confused by the concept of her and Ben.

The thirty of November, she gets to work early, as usual, and she finds Ben already there, grumpier than usual, pacing the length of the corridor with his hands on his hips.

'A hike’ he says when he turns, seeing her.

Was he waiting for her? Did she just imagined the way his eyes lit up when he saw her?

'What?’ she blurts out, confused.

He is sin in that black fitting jumper. It is probably cashmere, it is probably soft. Rey is dying to find out, but she… yeah, she can’t. On top of that, she just passed that awkward phase that always preceded her period during which she is _incredibly_ horny, and Ben had been at the centre of her every dirty thought, which suddenly came back to the forefront of her mind with the sole purpose of embarrassing her and make her blush.

'Someone, who will die very soon at my own hands, suggested to my mother that I should go on a hike, because... nature, apparently’ Ben says moving his hands around in confusion when he says ‘nature’, making Rey laugh.

‘Was it Poe? He’s on a weird reconnect-with-nature diet, he’s driving everyone crazy’ she says still laughing a bit, because Ben looks personally offended at the idea that he should go hiking.

‘Well, he’s dead’ he adds, pouting like a child,

‘I heard Naboo’s forest it’s beautiful, don’t they call it a winter wonderland now that it’s snowing?’

‘Have you ever been?’ he asks.

‘No, I’ve never been to the mountains, never seen snow in my life’ she admits, because Hanna City is too low for snow, and Jakku’s winter was just a more mild shade of summer.

‘Come with me then’ Ben says, suddenly serious.

Rey wants to ask him what made him change his mind so quickly, why does he suddenly wants to go, but she can only nod… because yes, _yes._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'It’s the only way I can live, through books and lives that are not mine, because... I am… I feel like a ghost. Things, time, they pass through me and I hardly feel anything, or I feel too much, a pain so sharp it makes it impossible to breath and… live.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm blown away by the response this fic has received so far, so thank you all so much! I've re-updated the first chapter with some minors editing changes because English is not my first language and there were a lot of mistakes, so my bad. Also, I had to split the second part in two because otherwise it would have been a 20k chapter and that is way too long.   
> Enjoy!

# December

They agree to go Sunday. The second of December.

When Ben picks her up at six am, he tells her that in Naboo it has been snowing for a couple of weeks already, so there’ll be plenty of snow for her to play around with. The car ride is a little less than two hours, and when they get out of the car, Rey takes a deep breath, and then again and again. She never knew air could feel so fresh, and crisp, and the smell of pines… they had begun to see the white snow the more they climbed the steep road, but in the parking lot outside the entrance of the trail there is only mud. Rey walks next to Ben with anticipation, wondering how the snow will feel like in her hands.

It seems to last a small eternity, the walk form the parking lot to the edge of the forest, but then the mud finally becomes clear white snow, and it crunches under her feet in totally different way from sand. She can’t help herself, she bends down to touch it with her fingers, to hold it, again and again until her hand hurt with the cold. When she looks back up at Ben, he’s smiling as well.

‘C’mere’ he says taking her hands in his, warming them up again in his gloved ones while she gets lost in his bright eyes.

‘I love it, it’s so… weird, like sand, but softer, and colder, and then you squish it and it becomes water or really hard… I don’t know’ she says with wonder.

‘You like it?’ he asks, and Rey nods, happiness bubbling up in her chest.

They walk slowly, and Ben just stays on the trail, making sure they don’t get lost, while she wonders around looking at the snow, at the way it covers everything, at the small sculptures created by water turned into ice and at the tracks she leaves behind. Naboo’s forest is, indeed, a winder Wonderland, an exact depiction of a forest in winter, just like the ones she sees on hallmark cards, or in movies, or computer wallpapers.

Despite all of this, her enthusiasm begins to die down the more they walk inside the forest, when the whiteness of the snow begins to resemble, in a way, the yellowish expanse of the desert. A similar silence, too. The compact patches of white broken only by nature, threes, bushes, rocks, just like in Jakku junk emerged from the sand, rust shining under the sun.

‘What’s wrong?’ Ben asks stopping, his brow furrowed with worry.

Rey tells him exactly what she’s thinking, because she knows he will understand. She knows he feels it too, sometimes, similarities even when there’s should be any. She begins to cry without even understanding why.

‘We’ll come back’ Ben promises moving closer ’in the spring, and you’ll see that it will never remind you of Jakku again’

It’s a promise of a kind she has never heard before, and Rey nods, trying to stop the tears and failing. The forest is almost completely silent, it’s only them and the growing shadows announcing the arrival of the evening, making the forest look scary, so scary… and her fears pile up, one after the other, making it difficult for her to breath.

‘I’ve never felt so alone’ she says, and it’s about the forest, but it’s about her, her life, _everything._

‘You’re not alone’ Ben answers immediately, not a trace of uncertainty in his words.

‘Neither are you’ she tells him because he has to know, he _has_ to.

They are barely apart, but Rey extends her hand towards his carefully. She thinks he’s about to move away when he retracts his hand, but he does it only to peel away his glove. And then his fingers are laced with hers, warm and solid.

Rey forgets how to breath, her eyes fixed on Ben while they move closer, and he bends down a little and… their lips brush for just a moment. It’s a light kiss, they do nothing more than press their lips against each other's, almost a peck. But Rey is not disappointed, because then she is in his arms, and she has never been hugged tighter, she has never felt safer than with Ben’s arms around her.

They part reluctantly, but they walk back to the car hand in hand, and Rey can’t stop smiling, not even when Ben kisses her again, a little bit more deeply, when he drops her off at her apartment.

They begin to text each other that night, wondering why on earth they didn’t do it before while Finn literally screams when, on her FaceTime with Rose, she talks about kissing Ben.

* * *

The next day, at the office, things are rather awkward. First of all because it’s the office, and people would _talk_ , that is, more than they already do, if they were to be caught being too close. Her friends know, though, and so they don’t stop glancing between her and Ben anyway, not even when she kindly asks them not to.

There is also a big project coming up, and Leia monopolised Ben for the majority of the day, forcing him to speak in a series of meetings and effectively destroying any hope that Rey had of talking to him about their kiss(es) the night before. It’s something she doesn’t want to do via text message, not with Ben.

Which is how Rey finds herself at the gym after work, even if it is more crowded than she can usually tolerate, frustration making her restless. She runs for a while and then, while taking a sip of water from her bottle, she debates with herself whether it is really worth it to go to the weights section. It’s usually full of guys showing off, making her feel self conscious and looking at her as if everything she did was wrong. It’s too late for the bodybuilders - or whoever they are - to be there anyway, at this hours it’s just people out of the office, like her, going for a run on the treadmill or for a workout on a bicycle. So she goes, and the more she walks the more she sees some men and woman who are doing light exercises near the weights area looking constantly back at it, some people on the elliptical, too. Rey figures one the super fit guys must be there, and he is and…

Rey’s brain breaks. There is no other way to describe it.

Ben _fucking_ Solo is doing push ups in the weight area, in a tank top and shorts, sweat all over him, looking like a David, making indecent little noises… breaking Rey’s brain. She has never, _never_ , liked the kind of men who shows off at the gym, anyone who shows off at the gym, really, but this… this is something different. He stands up and starts doing pull ups on a bar and _holy god_ his back is indecent. Rey has the weird impulse to let her nails grow just to leave marks on _that_ back while she holds on and he… yeah, she’s _not_ going there.

It takes her stupid brain a moment to reboot, to look up at Ben’s face, too really look at him. He looks tense, and the concentration he seems to have on what he’s doing is obviously fake. He must be fully aware of the fact that he’s being watched, and it is clearly making him uncomfortable. By now, Rey knows him enough to guess correctly that he thinks everyone is looking at him in disgust. She has never met anyone who is so little aware of their looks as Ben is.

He finishes his series and then he walks fast towards the empty corner of the gym where the punching bag is. Rey is after him in an instant. He will ruin his hands, he always does, because he never wears protection. The gym doesn’t provide gloves, which is also partially why that particular corner is almost always deserted.

She grabs his elbow and he turns immediately, fear and anxiety in his eyes until he recognises her. It makes her heart flutter when he moves closer instead than away, her hand still steady on his arm.

‘Hey’ he just says, taking a deep breath.

‘You’re not going to punch that bag unless you put protections on, you always hurt yourself’

She’s scolding him, and he looks surprised when she tugs him so that they can sit on one the benches near the wall. From the small pocket in the back of her training leggings she takes out her grey wraps, then she takes Ben’s hands in hers, one at the time, and begins to wrap them carefully.

She can hear his sharp intake of breath, his eyes on her making her blush. She likes his hands, so big, looking a bit rough, the veins that she can see on his wrist… they can look fearful, but she knows how careful he can be, how delicate.

‘Thank you’ he says, begin smart for once, and understanding that there was no way he could fight her on this ‘sorry, I’m gross right now’ he adds when she’s done, looking down at his feet.

‘You’re really not’ it’s her immediate reply. She says that with a smile while she brushes a lock of hair away from his forehead, not minding at all that he’s drenched in sweat, moving closer.

She stops breathing when he clearly looks down at her lips, when he inches closer without giving any indication that he wants to continue with his workout.

‘I thought about you all day, I hope… I hope I didn’t do anything you didn’t wanted me to do yesterday…’ he mumbles.

‘You didn’t, it was perfect, yesterday, all of it’

Someone drops a weight loudly on the ground, making them jump apart.

‘Meet you out in an hour?’ she asks before standing up, and Ben nods, a little smile on his lips.

When they meet outside, Ben offers her a ride home, but she’s kissing him before he can finish his question. It’s what she has wanted to do since she left him the night before, and from the way he responds, she guesses he feels the same, too. It only makes her bolder.

He does drive her home in the end, and they spend maybe an hour kissing in his car like teenagers. Rey wants to invite him upstairs, but if she does she just knows she’s not gonna let him leave, and she doesn’t want to rush it, to pressure him. It’s perfect anyway, because he holds her and kisses her goodnight on her lips, on her cheeks, on her forehead, and her heart is ready to burst.

* * *

The next morning, at the office, she is ridiculously early. But Ben is there, too, and it’s very hard to stop kissing, although they have to before someone comes in and sees them. It’s just so hard, because it makes her lightheaded, the way Ben’s kisses her back. He’s suck a dork, and the only thing he manages to say before the others arrive is to invite her back to his house. Because they have to finish Jane Eyre.

He’s her dork. Hers. Because he wants to kiss her, because he wants to hold her, read to her, share stories that he thinks she might like, and she can barely believe that he _wants_ her.

They are halfway through the book when they stop that night. The question came on the forefront of Rey’s mind when Mr Rochester’s secret was revealed, Jane’s hopes and dreams seemingly destroyed. She longs to know more, to talk to Ben about his past as much as she talked about hers, but even with the new level of intimacy they were approaching, he still seemed closed off. Although he was always ready to listen to her, whatever she wanted to confide.

'You never talk much, about your past, how you felt, the people you knew’

'Mh... I do a lot of that with Ahsoka’ it’s his answer, and Rey… well, she's starting to know him better, so she knows he’s deflecting.

'I talk to you, do you not... want my confidence?’

'It’s not that’ he says squirming in his seat, looking away.

'Then what is it?’

'You’re childhood was very painful, mine wasn't. You talked about Plutt letting you starve, I cannot possibly complain about mine, just like I cannot possibly complain about the apparent tragedies of my life with Cassian and Jyn when they literally saw their parents die in front of them, their friends. I’m just a weak spoiled child and... I didn't want you to get annoyed at me and leave’ he says standing up and moving away from her, looking at the bookshelf in front of him, trembling slightly.

'Ben’ Rey says softly, and she wants to scream at him, hit him and hug him all the same time, because he’s such an idiot sometimes. ‘You know I want to hear about you, you know I care, and so do Jyn, and Cassian, and your parents. Just because you didn't live through a war it doesn't mean your pain is any less real’

They are silent for a moment, and Rey hopes her words reached him. She wonders, once again, what Ahsoka was doing, was she helping him enough? How was his progress? She burns to ask, but she has no right.

'Let’s just finish the book’ he announces coming back, moving a hand through his hair, trying to calm down.

'No’ it’s all she says, stubborn, ‘I want to know about you’

Rey’s sitting in front of him on the window seat and without thinking too much she asks: ‘did you had many, uhm, relationships… before? I never had, I mean, I have been with some guys, and some girls, but nothing too serious, nothing ever lasted, trust issues and all of that’

Ben looks down at the pages of the book, and Rey knows it was the wrong question by the way his knuckles turn almost white, his body so tense he looks like he could shatter right in front of her.

‘I had one… when I worked for Snoke’ he begins carefully ‘I thought Bazine… liked me. It wasn’t like this it was… she was just around, she wanted to be around me even though we spoke of nothing all the time, if we talked at all. It turned out she was an escort employed by Snoke to let me… uh, fuck my frustrations out. He laughed when I asked him to stop sending her to me, after he told me. I wanted to go on a holiday with her, asked Snoke for some time, and this is how he told me. Who she really was. That she was my holiday, so that I could be sharp at work, fuck my frustrations at night’

'Did she... force you?’ she asks carefully, reaching for his hand.

Ben shook his head, but the expression on his face… it broke Rey’s hearth.

'Snoke gave her the key to my apartment, because he expected me to... She just came and... I just let her do what she needed to do. It was fine, I wanted it as well, really, it was just a distraction like another from Snoke’ he quickly adds, trying not to make it sound so bad but… oh, it was.

‘Oh, Ben’ Rey says pushing herself forward and hugging him.

He begins to cry silently into her neck, and Rey just holds him until he stop.

‘It’s not like that, you must know it’ she says drying away the last of his tears, talking about them.

Ben’s smile is weak.

‘Yeah’ he says softly, and Rey knows that on some days he doesn’t.

Later, when she gets home, in tears she looks for the piece of paper on which Jyn had written her number.

It was probably too early in the morning in Fest, but she calls anyway. She feels sick only thinking about what Snoke did to Ben, directly and indirectly.

'It’s Rey’ she says immediately after she hears the sound of the phone call connecting.

'Rey’ Jyn exhales, and then, worried ‘is everything alright? You sound distressed. You’re on speaker, Cassian is here with me’

Rey tells them everything Ben told her, about Bazine and Snoke, how he tried to play it down. Maybe she shouldn’t have, but Han and Leia are still not really talking to Ben, and she doesn’t think she can call Ashoka. She hears a chair pushed back, locks opening, and door slamming, then Jyn is moving away form the phone and...

'Cassian, put the _goddamn_ rifle down _right fucking now_. We’re calling Chirrut, who will call Ahsoka, and she will speak to Ben’

'Rey, you still there? How’s Ben?’ Jyn asks coming back.

A small voice tells her to worry, because even if Cassian looks quiet and kind he’s _definitely_ deadly, but she can’t find it in herself to be. A part of her wishes Snoke would die, painfully, with the same intensity with which she had wished for the same end for Plutt.

'He’s... okay. I stayed with him for a couple of hours afterwards, but then he wanted to be alone. Leia and Han are in the house with him’

'He’ll be okay’ Cassian says suddenly coming on the phone, his voice controlled as always, although Rey thinks she can detect some notes anxiety, distress ‘thanks for the call’

‘Yeah. Okay, _okay_ ’ Rey murmurs taking a deep breath, feeling a bit better.

Ahsoka would speak to be Ben about it, and she was a professional, she knew what she was doing. It was going to be fine. It had to.

* * *

She is in on the 6.50 am bus on her way to Resistance when her phone begins to ring.

Her heart loses a heartbeat when she sees Leia’s name. She hasn’t herd from Ben since the afternoon before. He had quite a rough session with Ahsoka, and he was silent afterwards, even at the cafe. After her call with Jyn and Cassian three days before, she knows that the couple - who is _extremely_ protective of Ben, as she is beginning to learn - had called Chirrut, which must have informed Ahsoka because of some connection the two had in the past, apparently. The doctor must have forced Ben to talk about Bazine, which is why yesterday he seemed so tired, so drained, so distant even from her. Which she understood, she understood before and she understands now that maybe they won’t be intimate _that_ way for some time, and it’s okay. She wants Ben to be a hundred percent happy with whatever happens between them, especially on the physical side after all that has happened to him, and she can wait. She is an expert when it comes to waiting. So Rey tries, _really tries_ , not to think about the worst, but she can’t help it, fear rising slowly inside her.

‘Hello?’ she answers trying to keep her voice steady.

‘Rey, good morning, where are you?’ Leia asks, and she doesn’t sound too much worried, which helps Rey relax a bit.

‘Uh, almost at Resistance’

‘Ah, early as usual. Listen… Ben is not… okay, today. He’s… in bed, not really _responding_ … and I know you two are quite close now, not that I am implying anything, but you see I was just wondering if maybe…’

‘Yes, I’m coming’ Rey interrupts her. She wants to be there for Ben, if she were to ask, she know he would come in a heartbeat.

‘Great, Han says to help yourself to the Falcon, it’s is the garage of Resistance, the keys are of the dashboard’

When she arrives at the Resistance, Rey bolts inside and makes straight for the Falcon. She takes a moment to allow herself to be amazed that she is driving the famous car before she drives fast to the Organa house.

It’s Threepio that greats her, but Rey rushes to Ben’s room without caring too much about the old butler’s protocol of formality. When she opens the door, she sees that Ben is, indeed, as Leia describe him: lying in bed, his back to the windows, to the light. He doesn’t seem to notice her, and Rey just takes off her shoes, her jacket, before climbing into the bed and settling in behind him.

He turns towards her immediately then, and he’s beautiful even like this, dark bags under his eyes and messy hair from tossing and turning into his bed.

‘Rey’ he whispers, and she opens her arms for him.

A part of her wishes it could be different, that her first memory of moving her finger through his hair, of feeling his body pressed over hers in such an intimate embrace could be different, not married in such a way by his depression. But it’s okay, it’s more than okay. It gets even better when Ben manages to get up, and for the first time they arrive ten minutes late at the office.

Three days later, when they reach the end of Jane Eyre, Rey is proven right on the assumption she made days before, that Ben would be there for her.

It begins when they reach the part in which Jane is starving, alone, homeless, and Rey can barely handle it, she would have never been able to if it wasn't for the fact that Ben has his arms around her while she rests her head on his chest. He is warm, solid, his breath steady, reassuring her that even though the story touches her profoundly, it's not her reality, not anymore. She fists his shirt every time something resembles too closely her experiences, her feelings, wondering how Charlotte Brontë could know _so much_ about her even though she had lived centuries before Rey and her miserable life.

She doesn’t know quite how it happens but she sees so much of herself in Jane, that the thought that she is granted a happy ending despite everything… it breaks her, she begins to cry harder than she has ever cried since her parents left her, probably, and she was right, because Ben holds her tight, offering her a handkerchief to blow her nose when she needs to and kissing her temple so, so sweetly she only cries harder.

Ben never lets her go, not even when they fall asleep, and when she wakes up with his arms still around her she can only think: _oh, I love him._

* * *

They do go out together quite often, enough times to make it normal in the eyes of Finn, Poe and Rose, who finally stop to teasing her about it. While they do understand that she has a relationship of sorts with Ben, she thinks they still believe that she either goes out with him out of pity or because of some nurse complex that she suddenly developed. She figures they will understand soon enough. In the meantime, she and Ben go to parks, and cafes, a museum, some restaurants, he even watches the races with her. Ben is surprisingly attentive, always making her favourite tea when he discovers it, or cooking her favourite meal, ordering from her favourite take-away place… it makes her blush every time, something warm expanding inside her chest.

It’s weird because unlike with Finn and Rose, she and Ben don’t always like the same thing, but she wants to spend time with him. She _loves_ to spend time with him. They are not complete opposites, more like complementary, and he never seems bored at what she likes, just like she isn’t bored at what he likes. Rey still doesn’t know how to describe it, but she just takes it for what it is, and she enjoys every minute out of it.

One Saturday morning she takes Ben to the oldest bookshop in town, not the biggest. The biggest is some kind of chain, still lovely for a book lover but somewhat impersonal. The old bookshop, on the other hand… it almost resembles Ben’s room, stacks of books everywhere, books literally squeezed in every corner and warm lights. She had thought of him immediately when she had seen it a couple of days before, passing by after a girls’ night out with Rose, Jessica and Kydel.

There is wonder in Ben’s eyes when they arrive, and the way his shoulders relax when they enter… it warms her, there’s no other way to describe it. She always want to see him like this, calm and comfortable even when they are out, not only when he is in his room.

‘Very welcome, you are’ the old and short man behind the counter says to them when they enter. He is full of wrinkles, sparse white hair on his head while his skin looks greenish under the lights.

Rey smiles at him politely and she just follows Ben after that, staying by his side while he looks at the countless books in the shop. It’s only after fifteen minutes of browsing that he picks up the first book. He chooses them very carefully, reading the plot outline on the back cover to her and himself, while he also points out books that he has - whether he liked them or not - and what he thinks she would like.

‘You really like it, do you?’ she asks with fondness, and Ben just nods with a small smile, at least seven books in his hands.

Some time later, after they climb two flights of stairs to another floor full of books, Ben starts to speak, slowly, not really looking at her although his words are clearly intended for her ears only. It’s a confession made in the almost empty bookshop, formed by words that have probably been wondering in his mind for a long time.

'It’s the only way I can live, through books and lives that are not mine, because... I am… I feel like a ghost. Things, time, they pass through me and I hardly feel anything, or I feel too much, a pain so sharp it makes it impossible to breath and… live. So I live in the lives of others, feel how it must be to go on adventures, to be brave and have friends who will come back for you, who will care and throw surprise parties, to wonder and meet all kinds of people, from one part or another of the globe. It’s all the things that I can’t do because of how... bad I am with people, how they don’t like me, before they know me because I’m tall and with an ugly scar on my ugly face, and afterwards because I just have a shitty character. I just can’t help it, the smallest things, that usually don't bother people too much, like people bumping into you, become huge to me, making me feel less and less at ease with others, less and less wanted, until I end up isolated in my room in a vicious circle that I cannot break… Ahsoka says it's because I’ve been alone too long, that it will get better, but... this is all I can do, all I have left’.

There is resignation in his voice, and Rey wonders how can that be when she’s right next to him. Which is why, instead of saying something, she just takes his hand and smiles when he turns towards her.

It’s a silent promise, for they are both lonely souls, and they just want not to be alone anymore. Ben tries to get closer, but there is a wall between them made up of the books he picked up, and she laughs a bit when he has to bend down to look at her properly, this hulk of a man with the sweetest eyes she has ever seen. And _god_ , she’s a goner.

'I’m here’ she says kissing the corner of his lips, and it seems to go through, he seems to understand, finally.

Ben squeezes her hand a little bit, a crooked smile on his lips, a bit uncertain. They keep browsing after that, and when they get to the counter with at least fifteen books between them, the old man doesn't seem surprised at all.

'A reader, you are’ he says with a small voice, putting the books in a paper bag, and while Rey is confused, Ben looks positively amused with the character.

'Both of you, see soon I will’ the old man says as goodbye, and Rey is about to remark about how sort of weird that sounded - probably because of the old man’s voice - when Ben speaks.

They are outside, and while it doesn't snow in Hanna City, it’s very cold, their breaths coming out in white puffs against the grey sky.

'I have you’ he says, a whisper almost.

'Yeah, and I have you’ she answers taking his gloved hand in hers, then because she wants to keep the day light, happy, she adds: ‘and I am famished, so we better go to that all you can eat Chinese place or else I’ll drain your bank account’

Ben chuckles, she smiles.

* * *

It happens the fourth time she goes to him to the Organa house. Ben is reading _Kangoroo Notebook_ to her, a weird small book by a Japanese author, and they are almost at the end when she decides, out of the blue, to stop him and close the distance between them.

His lips are soft under hers, warm, it’s not a chaste kiss, not like those they have shared before, and there is nothing Rey wants more than have him closer, but she steps back because… yeah, she should have asked, she should have been less impulsive. Didn't she said to herself that she didn't want to pressure him? The look on Ben’s face is one of total surprise, he seems almost paralysed and Rey begins to fear, anxiety rising, because: did she fuck this up? But that thought can’t go any further.

Ben is on her in an instant, and he’s as desperate as she is. It takes less than a minute for him to help her straddling him on the bed, and they yet have to part to just even breathe. It’s exhilarating, the way he keeps her close, his hands moving up and down her back, carefully on her neck, in her hair, on her cheeks, and then back down on her tights. On her part, Rey isn’t shy, she moves her hands in his hair, and then settles for his jaw, keeping him exactly where she wants him while she kisses him and he kisses her back in a way she has never kissed anyone before. It makes her dizzy. Like always, he’s _intense_ , his kisses open mouthed and wet, his tongue moving deliciously on her lips, against hers. They are both painting when they finally part to catch a breath, but Rey’s hands sneak under his shirt, loving the feeling of his skin under her fingers, the goosebumps that she creates.

‘Rey…’ he says in a deep, raw voice that goes straight to the fire rising in her belly. It’s a question, and she just nods, whispering a series of _yes_ until her lips find something better to do, creating marks on his neck. She is gentle when she reaches the scar, the one he gave himself. Rey kisses it gently, with love, and Ben whimpers under her.

After that, they are almost frantic, trying to get their clothes off each other as fast as they can. Rey doesn’t have any fear, any anxiety, even though in the few times she has been this intimate before she has always been. But this is Ben. Her Ben. She knows his hands, his eyes, his mouth... his large, warm, hands are caressing her body, and he’s solid under her… she feels safe, she trusts him, she wants to hear him moan her name and whimper just for her, _because_ of her. Rey can barely begin to grind down on him before Ben knocks the air out of her by turning her over, pinning her underneath him on the soft bed like she weights nothing.

Then he takes off his shirt and…

’Oh…’

Yeah, _oh_ , because Ben solo has an eight pack, and him half naked on top of her, lips red with _her_ kisses, _her_ marks on his neck, his hair a mess because of _her_ fingers… he’s the most beautiful man in the world. And Rey already thinks he’s beautiful everyday, but like this… like this, something inside of her makes her heart swell with affection.

Ben, on the other hand, suddenly looks nervous, pulling slightly away.

‘We can… uh, turn the lights off…’ he suggests without looking at her, turning towards the lamp on the bedside table.

‘Why?’ she asks lightly caressing his cheek.

Ben leans into her hand, but he bits his lips, looking down at his chest. The scar that marks his face continues on his chest after a brief interruption on his neck, and it is surrounded by other small, faded, scars. And moles, lots of moles. He’s self conscious about it, but all she wants to do is to pin him down and count every scar, connect every mole on his skin, discover every constellation they might form, with her fingers, with her mouth…

‘You’re beautiful’ she says pushing him closer, kissing him again ‘and I have scars too’ she adds.

‘I don’t mind’

'Neither do I, I like _all_ of you, Ben’ she answers and he nods, finally helping her out of her shirt, and then her bra.

It’s almost with maddening slowness that he begins to touch her then, just with his fingertips, making her shiver until he finally begins to kiss her. He starts from her neck, and then he slowly makes his way down, stopping at her breasts, making her moan, and then down again, leaving kisses on the small scars on her abdomen from when she feel in the junkyard as a child, his hands perfect on her hips.

She tells him _yes_ before he can even rise his eyes to ask when he reaches her panties, and she can feel his smile against her thigh, where his mouth is pressed in a kiss, when he makes them slowly slide down her legs, using just the tips of his finger to make her shiver once again. Then his mouth his on her, and his fingers, and Rey can barely breath, let alone think. She’s almost certain she calls for god even though she doesn’t believe in one, and she doesn’t really know where she finds the strength, but she pushes Ben away from her, because she needs him closer.

‘Let me… please, I don’t… have a condom, I didn’t… ‘ he begins to mumble with half lidded eyes, as breathless as she is, almost desperate as she feels because she was _so close_. She can feel how hard he is against her thigh, and she rushes to finally peel away his boxers, the last piece of clothing that stands between them finally being skin to skin.

The realisation that he enjoyed that makes Rey burn ten times more. His fingers, slowly tracing the outline of her folds also make her breathless, but she can’t stand to have him so far away, not even if he makes her feel like she could float with the clouds. It’s the first time that they are close like this, and she needs him near, she needs to see his eyes, to kiss him until their lips are bruised.

‘I need you here’ she says fisting his hair, forcing him to press his forehead against hers, keeping him close to her by crossing her legs around his hips.

Without hesitation, she grabs his cock and then she begins to move against it, so that it brushes deliciously against her folds, the tip bumping perfectly against her clit. They are both looking down, and while Rey bites her lips shivering with pleasure, Ben moans, loudly.

She absolutely adores it. She wants more of it. So, so much more.

‘Like this’ she barely manages to whisper, because everything seems turned up to a thousand with Ben, everything is amplified and she could die happily right here. She has never, _never_ , felt anything like this.

Ben gets it, of course, and he lets himself fall a bit on her, moving deliciously against her, his fingers finally dipping into her heat, making her hips buckle against his hand while he moves on her faster and faster, her hand still gently wrapped around him so to keep him in place, their foreheads pressed against each other. It’s when Ben begins to chant her name that Rey comes with a silent scream, shaking underneath him, and Ben comes a minute later, his spend warm on her stomach. He doesn’t seem to care about that, she doesn’t either, and she loves it when he just keeps holding her close, while trying not to put too much weight on her, kissing her through the aftershocks of their pleasure.

‘You could have just told me the book was boring’ he says making her laugh.

'I should have asked, I'm sorry, I...’ she begins, but Ben silences her gently.

'It’s okay... I wanted you to, I always do, and I... it felt so good, _so good_ , Rey, not only for my body, but even inside... ugh, that... sounded bad. Did I just ruin the mood?’ he says closing his eyes, blushing to the tip of his ears.

'You did not, you big dork, I know what you mean’ she says brushing a lock of hair away from his face.

He opens his eyes again, a bright smile on his face. Rey is smiling as well and... her heart feels so full she can hardly make sense of it.

* * *

The things is, it has never been like this. Rey never allowed other positions but the usual missionary because, giving her back to a stranger while she was so vulnerable? No way. She tells him that, and Ben understands. There was pleasure in her previous, very shot, relationships, but it was always, _always_ , mixed with anxiety, distrust. It wasn't the best, but it was okay, it scratched an itch, and she was a scavenger after all, she took what she needed and she made the best with what she found.

It’s not like that with Ben. The fist time they actually have sex they are so worked up by the time they get to it, both physically and mentally, that it’s mess, but it’s also very much okay, better than anything Rey had ever experienced. It’s nothing grand, somehow they’re both crying, then Ben pushes into her slowly and he moves for fifteen seconds before they both come, only to cry some more. There’s relief in their tears, and Rey feels like she can finally properly breath, with Ben naked on top of her. She opened her heart and her soul and she found someone who understands her so deeply, who wants her... it truly shakes her to the core, in a very good way.

They laugh about it afterwards, but they also get better very, very quickly.

It is fairly correct to say that once they get their hands on a pack of condoms, they don’t leave Rey’s apartment for a whole day. There is something, inside her, while she is with Ben, that she has never felt before, and it’s not there only during sex, although in those moment is often amplified. She feels wanted, desired, understood, and safe with him. Sex doesn’t feel like a break, like something different that makes her anxious, self conscious. It’s something more, when they are closer, just like when they talk. A continuation of sorts. Everything he does it’s to discover her, her body, what makes her feel good, what she likes, and it’s such a careful and loving research that she cannot help herself but reciprocate, exploring him in return. That’s how she learns that with Ben there’s pleasure even in that, in knowing she has the power to make him feel good, to look for what works better for him, not only for her. Before, it has always been a rush against the guy she was with, making sure he would make her come before he did, and she never cared too much when they did.

It’s not like that with him. There is reverence in the way Ben’s hands move on her back while he takes her from behind, deep and slow, before he drapes himself against her back, kissing her neck and making her moan again, and again against the sheets. It’s something she has no trouble returning, pinning him down and riding him fast, or slow while she kisses all of his scars, all of his moles. She can’t get enough of this new intimacy between them, and he feels the same, reaching for her every time they can, small touches and physical acts of affection that make her understand how much he cares, that he reciprocates.

It’s not always slow and reverent, sometimes is rough, fast with want, need, passion. Rey loves all of it. She has never felt better, about her life, about herself. A part of her always believed that she _was_ damaged, and her friends helped… but Finn and Rose got together and she remained alone, and Poe has a capacity to be fine on his own - hopping from one relationship to another - that she never understood. That is until Ben. Ben, who makes her feel beautiful under his hands, his mouth, who makes her feel wanted, loved, with his presence, his words.

‘Closer’ she whines, her arms around his neck, pushing him down to her.

‘I don’t want to hurt you’ Ben answers, his voice raw and his eyes dark with pleasure. He has one hand warm on her tight, one gently cradling her face, his thumb moving in small soothing circles on her cheek, completely at odds with the way he is pushing into her, while deliciously rubbing against her clit with every thrust.

‘I like it when you crush me a little, I like to feel your weight on me, it makes me feel safe, it makes it better’ she mumbles between moans because this man, _god_ , this man knows how to driver her crazy. It is absolutely ridiculous, but it feels like his cock was made to make her lose her mind, just, _just._

He obliges, he always does. Kissing her and falling on her a little bit more. It’s enough, his weight on her, his arms around her, the delicious friction between them and the way he begins to move faster calling for her, and Rey comes biting his shoulder, her legs trembling with pleasure.

‘Good girl’ he says in her ear, voice deep, sending shivers down her spine.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, god, oh god, his voice, god…_ she thinks, moaning, and coming around him again because - _god, his voice, just him, god -_ was a _that_ a thing for her? It certainly was now, apparently.

Ben thrusts one more time before coming as well, a low deep moan that never fails to lit Rey and her pride on fire.

‘You bit me’ he says moving away a little, a smirk on his face, but she doesn’t allow him too much space, she wants him close.

It’s stupid, because they should go, clean up, _then_ cuddle, but, _but_ …

‘And what about it?’ she asks proudly.

Ben just kisses her again. She isn’t quite ready yet to tell him that she always marks what’s hers.

* * *

Sometimes, he takes his sweet time, torturing her until she is mad with pleasure. Maybe it has something to do with his pride, but most likely it has something to do with her. She learned pretty quickly that no matter how hard he tried to hide it, Ben always loves with all his heart, with all of himself. She sees it in the way he is everyday, remembering Threepio and Artoo’s favourite place, Holdo’s favourite hairdresser and Leia’s favourite tea, the favourite food of Bibi, Poe’s dog, as well as Han’s favourite sketchy guy from which you can get spare parts for the Falcon. He even knows Lando’s favourite tricks at poker and Maz’s favourite beer. The little things that make the difference, that show how attentive he is, how much he _cares._

It always breaks her heart a little because there is almost no one who knows those things about him. She sees it in the way Leia and Han gaze at their son, longing to know, to speak to him, but never knowing how to, never daring. It’s even sadder that what they know about Ben comes from others, from Jyn and Cassian mostly, Maz sometimes. They have quite the age gap, her and Ben, but she bets that they both have spent, roughly, the same amount of holidays like Christmas or birthdays on their own, trying to forget how lonely they were.

She wants more for him, she wants happy memories, and they are making them, but she constantly hopes he can remember some from his past, not only painful ones.

'Who was there, before Bazine?’ she asks one night, it’s really cold outside, too cold for her, really, but she’s in one of Ben’s old hoodies, tucked in into his side and she doesn’t even think about it too much.

It’s a hard question, too hard for pillow talk, but she really can’t help herself sometimes, she’s constantly curious about him, just like he is about her.

'No one’ he answers almost absentmindedly, his hand stroking up and down her back.

'No one?’

'No... I’m not... I need to feel something, a connection, I need trust. I cannot do casual, I really cannot, too much anxiety. I mean, I always start with the idea that everyone hates me, even strangers, _especially_ strangers, because my uncle, saint Luke Skywalker, loved and liked by all tried to murder me in my sleep so… yeah, it’s just no’ he reveals and Rey is on the verge of tears thinking about how he had been cheated into his first sexual experiences, manipulated. ‘Ugh, sorry, I’ve never… talked about this stuff and I get verbal diarrhoea around you. Sorry’

‘Ben, I…’

‘ _Rey_ ’ he says, and there’s a warning in his voice. He’s showing her his belly, hoping that she will not gut him like Snoke did, and like her, he doesn’t want her pity, he doesn’t need it just like she doesn’t want or need his, because that’s not _them._

She nods, and Ben moves her closer.

Snoke, Plutt, their deeds… they seem distant, insignificant, really, while she’s in a cocoon of blankets with Ben, in the warm room that smells of books and flowers, _them_.

* * *

A Christmas bomb seems to have exploded all over the town, decorations falling everywhere, even in Mothma and Ahsoka’s waiting room, where a small plastic three is lit up by led lights. Rey and Ben laugh about it before their sessions because it looks cheap, an afterthought, and maybe it shouldn’t be there. Even if they don’t plainly speak about it, they both know the numbers, the reality of their past, of how harder everything seems to be under the holidays. It’s only since she has joined Resistance three years before, befriending Finn and Rose, that Rey started to like the spirit of it, the atmosphere, but there is always something missing. Absentmindedly, she wonders if this years will be different, and her eyes fall on Ben, on the small smile that makes its way to his lips everyday a little bit more.

Even Chirrut and Baze put up decorations, and Rey looks at them confused.

‘You don’t do Christmas, I mean…’ she begins to say, trying - and probably failing - not to sound insensible, but Baze just grunts.

‘This fools thinks we should’ he says, pointing to a smiling Chirrut, who is completely absorbed by a wreath made of deliciously smelling dried fruit that he currently holds in his hand.

‘It is a holiday about love and family, acceptance and forgiveness. It is completely in line with the teachings of the Force’ its Chirrut answer, which makes Ben grin.

‘You are enabling him. He’s a blind man, are you really going to let us believe he did it all by himself?’ Ben asks pointing at the numerous decorations around the cafe, clearly amused.

Rey looks between him and Baze, Chirrut smiling not far away. Her phone is constantly buzzing with pictures from Rose and Finn, who are making Christmas cookies together, earlier that morning Leia invited her over for Christmas dinner, and all she can think is: _this_ , this is what happiness tastes like.

It feels like all she ever wanted and more, and maybe it blinds her to the incoming disaster, because everything crumbles down a few days before Christmas.

No ones sees it coming.

It breaks her anyway.

* * *

Luke Skywalker walks into Resistance enterprise at ten am sharp on the twenty-second of December. The last time Rey had seen him, it had been almost a year before, at Han and Leia’s wedding anniversary’s party.

_I had to_ Luke told her then, a grin on his face. _With all the fighting I’ve witnessed, I though this day would never come_.

Rey had liked Luke then, very much. He was a legend, after all, and grumpy, and sometimes he didn’t make sense, but she liked him (in her sessions, Mothma seems almost desperate, begging her to stop seeing father figures in every old men she meets). Ben hadn’t been there, not for the party anyway. He had used the excuse of a business trip to get out of town, coming back so late that he ended up congratulating his parents in an almost empty ball room, when almost everyone had left, Luke included. It was in the before, when Rey still thought she hated him.

And the thing is, no one has ever seen Luke and Ben together. Ben’s open hostility towards his uncle is known because of the numerous comments he makes every time Luke is mentioned. Like others, she had found it incredible that someone could hate Luke so much, but now that she knows what Luke did to Ben, when she sees him in the office that morning, she doesn’t find it too difficult to be a bit distant, at least until she can talk to him privately. He had been in his solitary cabin in Aach-to while the whole ordeal with Ben happened, and he choose to come back only now, almost three months later. She feels anger at that, that he never bothered to come and see, to take some responsibility, and once again she remembers the hopelessness in Ben’s eyes, the regret in Jyn’s… there is so much pride in Luke, _hubris_ , he couldn’t even admit it to himself, probably, what he had done. The worst part is, Luke treats Ben with hostility as well - his _naughy nephew,_ he always says, as if it was joke, while his eyes remain hard -, and now that she _knows_ , Rey really can’t understand. How could he hate so much his own nephew? What could Ben have possibly done to deserve such hate? The account Jyn, Cassian, even Maz, had given her of Ben were of a withdrawn child, often silent but for the occasional outburst of rage.

She really can’t understand.

'We need to talk’ Rey says to Luke as soon as he approaches her to say hi. He has his usual smile on, and Rey doesn't know what to make of it, how Leia could be so calm and amiable with the brother who literally almost killed her son. She was beginning to understand that family was complicated, but she could see why Ben had chosen to run away instead of going back. While none of them was openly hostile against him, the climate was clear: he had been sent away, attacked, and no one seemed to care enough, to take his side but Jyn and Cassian.

When Ben enters the room, silence falls.

He is on his phone, checking something, so it takes him a moment. Ben lifts his eyes, and when he sees Luke, his phone just falls on the floor, screen cracking.

It’s not until much later that Rey discovers that Ben had never seen Luke since he ran away from the Academy. In that moment, though, she can see him stop, his whole body tensing before beginning to tremble slightly, swallowing hard and...

Rey knows him well enough by now, she really does, his mind, his body, his quirks, his little movements... which is why she is surprised even when she shouldn't be when she sees, understand, that Ben is absolutely _terrified_. That just being in the same room as Luke is making him panic so hard and so fast that his mind has him react in the only way he knows in order to protect himself: shift into anger.

'How are you doing kid?’ Luke asks, a small smile, and Ben is paler than usual.

In that moment, Ben’s eyes look for her, for Leia. He sees how close they are to Luke, and he interprets everything as _betrayal._

‘I heard you gave everyone quite a hard time’ Luke says, which, in Rey’s opinion, is the absolute worst thing he could have _ever_ said, and he actually says it to Ben, as if he didn’t care, as if he didn’t know. Who the fuck has the actual guts to tell a person (his own nephew!) who almost succeeded in committing suicide not even three months before, that they had been a burden? Luke Skywalker, apparently, that’s who, who understands next to zero about mental illness.

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t finish what you started, but you know me, I’m a walking disappointment’ Ben’s words are dripping with bitterness, and Rey just wants to move closer to him, but she can’t. She doesn’t even know if she’s allowed, to get between them. Can she? What right does she have if even Leia is silent next to her brother?

Luke seems taken aback from that response, but before he can reply, Ben turns his back to them and marches away.

‘Uh, what’s going on?’ Finn asks confused.

It takes Rey more than it should to get her legs to work, to run to Ben, who is already marching out of Resistance, into the cold parking lot and under the dark grey sky announcing the arrival of a winter storm.

'Where are you going? Ben? Ben! BEN! STOP!’ she screams, and he does, he does.

He stops, he turns to her, which made Rey heart relax while in her mind the memory of being left behind under the hot Jakku’s sun keeps going on repeat. Ben is here, though, in front of her, but he’s not the same Ben she had known for months now, there is a coldness in his eyes, a distance between them and…

_God, no, please, please, please, please…_

‘What?’ he snaps at her, hard, angry.

‘You can’t just walk away!’ she replies in his tone, because two of them can play this game of anger, they’ve done it countless times before.

‘Oh, so you just want me to… to what? Go in there and sing Jingle Bells while hugging Luke Skywalker?! Is that what you want?! Your Christmas carol story? Because that’s not how family works, Rey! Not this family anyway!’

There are tears pricking at the corner of her eyes and Rey is really trying, she really is, but she is standing on thin ice and everything is shattering under her feet.

_Is this Jakku all over again?_

‘That’s not…! I didn’t even know he was coming! But you have to talk to him! You can’t just run away! You should try…’

‘Stop it! Stop! STOP!’ he screams in return ‘You are… just LET GO, Rey! Why the fuck… god, I can’t, okay? I fucking can’t! And maybe you would understand if for a fucking second you would stop putting every old man you meet on a damn pedestal hoping for them to become your father!’

‘I do not! I DO NOT!’ Rey answers pushing him, anger bubbling inside her as hot as lava.

‘Oh, really? You do not?! Well, just in case, you should know that they would have fucking disappointed you!’ it’s his answer, and they really are doing it, screaming at each other in an empty parking lot.

A part of her agrees with him, _yes, you’ve seen what they did to him_ , but she…

’Shut up, Ben! That’s not what this is about!’

‘No! This is _exactly_ what this is about! Even Mothma says it is, but you are a _liar_ Rey, and only to yourself! You look for a family in everything and everyone so much you forget how to live and be you! This is what all your fights with Finn and Rose and Poe-fucking-Dameron are about, the unrealistic expectations, _the fantasy,_ they can’t keep up with because you are constantly looking for a family, or whatever that means in your head! Mothma told you, she told you to stop, that you will be better if you do. Because, take it from an expert, that is not how family works!’

‘Stop it, stop it, you’re just saying this because…’ she’s in tears now, but Ben won’t let her finish, he is set on what he’s about to do, and he won’t stop until he’s done. He’s not even shouting anymore, and maybe that’s why suddenly everything hurts ten times more.

‘That’s the truth and you know it! Is that why got close to me? You want Han and Leia? You can keep them for all I care, Luke, too!’

He’s in pain, and full of anger, but so is she, and they both can’t see and…

_God, no, please, please, please, please…_

‘I’m _never_ going to just _forgive_ Luke, not after what he did, not after how he acted in the aftermath of his actions, and I can’t, _won’t,_ do that, not even for _you_ ’ he seems calmer, but it still feels like the end, everything is still crumbling, and Rey just can’t stop the tears.

‘You need to stop lying to yourself. Say it, you know the truth. Say it’ his voice is soft, he knows exactly with what kind of knife he is stabbing her with, but he won’t stop, even though he’s trying his best to be as delicate as he can be about it, and Rey doesn’t know what to do, she doesn’t know where to hide anymore.

It’s just her and Ben in a cold, empty parking lot. And what can she do? She has never been able to hide from Ben, he reads her like an open book, he just never tried to hurt her like this before, but what can she do, where can se go?

‘They left me’ she whispers looking down.

‘They were filthy junk trades, they traded you for drinking money, and they are buried in a pauper’s grave in Jakku. It’s all on public records Rey, it took me just a simple phone call to Jakku to discover that’ Ben speaks of them with the same hate he reserves for Luke, and Rey just… she just _can’t_.

They left her, they left her behind and on some days Rey doesn't even know if Rey is her real name, if the three buns that she wore for years were her mother’s style, she doesn't know... what she knows is that she is just another piece of junk left in the desert, just like the scarps peaking out of the sand, covered in rust.

‘I am nothing, no one’ she says aloud for the first time, trembling to her bones, seeing the desert even if the cement of Hanna City is all around her.

‘Not to me, _never_ to me’ Ben says, his voice finally soft again, warmth back into his eyes ‘not to Finn, Rose, Poe, even Leia and Han. If you could just let it go, see what you have around you...’

Rey doesn’t know how they got here, how she became the centre of the discussion when the problem was Ben, his unwillingness to confront Luke. It was Luke, not Snoke, after all. And what was he doing?

She doesn’t know, but it’s her turn to be furious.

'Why are you doing this to me? Why? WHY?’ She practically screams while punching his chest. The fact that he stays still and just _takes it_ makes her even more furious.

He stops her easily, taking her wrist in his hands, looking down at her.

‘You want a family? You get it, you _have_ it, just walk back inside, but stop losing yourself to look for it, stop taking the bullshit Han or Luke throw at you, stop doing everything that pleases Leia, just fucking talk to Finn and Rose for once, don’t erase yourself to fit into some conception you have of family, don’t erase them. They will come to you when you do, they always will’

Ben says all of this looking straight into her eyes, and there is something… something she can decipher. She can’t read him, for the first time since November he’s unreadable again and Rey doesn’t know what to do. It’s sudden, when he lets her go, she’s still crying. He turns, and he just walks away, and she doesn't stop him, she doesn't scream like she did when her parents left her, even though it feels like Ben would leave a far bigger void, taking with him more than half of her.

He walks away and he never looks back.

He never comes back.

She knows that she goes back inside at some point, just to push Luke to the ground, telling him (screaming) how terrible his words were, the way he treats Ben and the cowardice with which he rejects responsibility for what he has done years before. Then there is a series of phone calls, hours later, because Ben is nowhere to be found. He packed a backpack and disappeared and all Rey can do is lay on her sofa, trying not to cry too loudly while Finn and Rose try to cheer her up. Never in her life she has felt like this, cracked, bleeding. It’s like Mr Rochester said to Jane, there is a string between her and Ben, and now it has been severed, and she is bleeding… Rey tries to get up, she calls him, but there is no answer, no news, which only dampens her mood further, making her walk around like a sad ghost.

Christmas is a sad affair. There is tension at the table between the Skywalker twins and it makes everyone on edge, everything feels awkward, and not even Poe seems able to cheer Leia up, not even with Holdo’s help. Rey cares while at the same time she doesn’t. It was supposed to be happy, it was supposed to feel like she had a family for once, but she’s beginning to think that she’ll never feel like that if Ben isn't there with her. She is also finally beginning to filter away the anger from their argument, accepting the truth he had forced her to face with his words…

After dinner, while Maz and Han somehow begin to fight loud enough to distract everyone about some old poker game at her place, Rey goes into his room and sits on his bed for what feels like hours, waiting for something, for him, as if it was just another day of the new normality she has started to love, _live_ , with Ben. He was going to come out of the bathroom any moment now, ask her what she was in the mood for: fantasy, novel, non-fiction? He would always say: we could watch something, because he believed he was annoying her with his books, which was the farthest thing to the truth.

She starts to look around to see what’s missing, something Leia had already done days before. He took his backpack, some clothes, and not even one of his books, which made her worry. Instinctively, Rey goes looking for _The Glass Palace_ , she skims the pages for the quote Ben read to her what feels like a lifetime ago, finding nothing, only frustration, angst, and anger rising in her with every page she passes that is filled with words, but not the ones she is looking for… she thinks she understands Ben a little better, what he said to her in the bookshop weeks before, how even reading, something that once had given him pleasure and relief, had become a painful coping mechanism of its own. She gets it, she really does, because while skimming through words and words for those she is looking for, she is taken back to Jakku, to long days under the sun with her belly empty, her stomach rumbling while she frantically looked through piles of junk, hoping to find something that could please Plutt, lying to herself, telling herself that it would be okay even if she skipped dinner again, that the next day she would find something incredible, that her parents would come back for her… It seems almost unreal that it began as a game, that she loved to go looking for something precious, still intact, in cemeteries of shining junk. It used to be a game, a game that made her forget the pain until Plutt began to ask for more, and Rey complied, because what else could she do? She was alone, and she didn’t know.

She wonders if Ben felt like that the first time Snoke extended his hand to him. He probably did, he never told her, he never had the time.

She is on the verge of another breakdown when she gets a text from Jyn.

_He’s with us_ it just says.

Attached there’s a picture of a man in black, a mop of black hair she knows very well, giving his back to the camera, sitting on a rock, standing out against the white fields of snow, overlooking one of the most beautiful views Rey’s has ever seen, just mountains and mountains covered in pines and snow as far as the eye can see.

_Fest sits high on a mountain_ Ben told her once _Cassian was born there, Jyn prefers it to Lamhu, or Coruscant. It’s not where Cassian’s parents died, so it looked like the only place they could go._

* * *

It’s the twenty-seven of December when Rey asks for a special appointment with Mothma. Her request is approved immediately, and the next day she’s in the familiar room at the practice. She isn’t surprised when she finds Ahsoka there as well. The two doctors must know a lot about her and Ben by now.

‘Dr. Ahsoka would like to…’ Mothma begins.

‘Yeah, it’s fine’ Rey says interrupting her.

She looks outside the window while she talks, while she tells them everything that happened before and during Christmas, her fight with Ben especially, the thoughts and truths she had to confront. The two doctors are quiet, they barely share a glance, and it’s Mothma that speaks in the end.

'What you are saying is’ Mothma begins in her calm tone, careful and controlled - it reminds her of Cassian’s, in a way - ‘that he might have not been delicate, but he has pushed you to finally confront the truth. He cares so much, that he was willing to risk you hating him so that you could finally confront yourself with that truth, so that you could _finally_ move forward’

At that, Rey bites her lower lip nervously. She doesn’t know what Ben wanted to do, they were in pain, angry, and they both felt betrayed by each other.

They both fucked up, and she just wants him back.

'And I can understand why he is afraid, why he left so abruptly’ Mothma adds ‘You might think you have seen the faults of his family, but now that you are with him, that the worst seems to have passed, once again you see his family as the family you never had, and he fears you will side with them, marking his possible disagreements with them as irrational like everyone always did in his life. In a way, even here it is quite remarkable, don’t you think, that now that things are finally going a bit better with his family, he rather leave so that you can continue to have a family without having to pick a side. In part, of course, he did this because he doesn't think that, when the time comes, you will choose him’

It’s that last sentence that hits Rey so hard she stops breathing for a second. Because it’s not true, she would choose him, she always would. How do they got here? Into this huge misunderstanding even after all the hours they spent talking to each other? After all the hours they bared their souls, literally, to one another?

They’re idiots, the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Ben, what are you saying?’ Rey can’t recognise her own voice, she sounds so small and scared. She is.
> 
> 'You’ll be better, you already are. But I’ll never be. I don’t think I’ll come back to Hanna City, I won't stay here either’

# January

She doesn't ask why, or how, or any question, really, but on New Year's Day, Leia gives her a plane ticket to Fest, telling her to take all the time she needs, and she takes it. Rey doesn’t question it, she simply packs the few very warm winter clothes she has and takes the first flight available. It’s a long journey, not the flight itself, but the bus ride through small towns, up, and up until they reach the small cluster of houses that Fest is, almost on top of a mountain overlooking other shorter peaks in a view that takes Rey’s breath away. She prepared herself with the help of google translate on the plane, and when she gets off the bus she goes into what looks like the only grocery store and asks, in her broken Spanish, about the Andor-Erso.

The shopkeeper is quite helpful, he walks out with her in the snowy town and points at a small house that sits higher than the others, almost a dark point on the horizon for how isolated it is. It turns out it’s just a ten minutes walk from the town, the path rather clean despite the snow covering everything, small flakes falling lazily continuously from the grey sky. Her legs ache when she finally arrives at the rustic house in stone. It’s ten minutes away, but _up_ , which didn't make it any easier to reach. It’s also the only house near the forest of pines that extends almost to the mountain top, and it has a spectacular view.

She stops a second to take a breath, and it is in that moment that a figure emerges from the forest. Ben sees her, he clearly stops to look at her, but then he just turns around and walks back into the snowy white forest, slipping away as silently as the falling snow. She can hear the snow crunching under her feet, or maybe it’s her heart breaking, she honestly can't tell at this point.

‘Rey, come in, you’re going to catch a cold’ Cassian is on the doorstep waiting for her, his eyes kind and patient. He doesn’t seem surprised to see her, neither does Jyn, as if they were expecting her, and maybe they were.

Inside, she finds Chirrut and Baze sitting on a sofa in the living room while a man she doesn’t know, with black greying hair in a low ponytail, roasts chestnuts on the fire.

‘Hey, Rey is here’ Cassian says casually, as if it was normal, as if she was _family_.

Chirrut and Baze welcome her like they always did at the cafe, as if they were still in Hanna City and not kilometres away on top of a mountain, with a smile and a grunt (for Baze), while the man with the ponytail stands up and looks at her carefully.

‘Ah, yes, Rey. I’m Bodhi’ he says waving his left hand, offering her roasted and already peeled chestnuts with a kind smile.

She looks down at the chestnuts, and it is then that she realises that his right hand is made of hard plastic, coloured of a brownish pink in a failed attempt to match his skin tone.

'Thanks’ she mutters taking one chestnut, trying to not be insensible. The last thing she wants to do is to say something wrong, and if there’s one thing she has learned since moving to Hanna City is that Jakku and Plutt taught her nothing about etiquette or manners, which has resulted in several _very awkward_ situations through the years. She still can’t think about her first year of college without furiously blushing because of that.

Bodhi is about to speak again, but Jyn promptly stops him.

'Leave her be, she must be exhausted. Come Rey, Chirrut, Baze and Bo are sleeping at the inn in town, so I had the second guest room ready for you’

It doesn't escape Rey that Jyn said _second_ guest room, meaning that Ben took the first one. She doesn’t say anything but a muttered ‘thanks’ while she follows Jyn around the house, which is warm and cozy, made of stone and wood.

They go upstairs, where Jyn leads her into a small room with a double sized bed covered in a red duvet and brown quilt, a window overlooking the forest.

'Bathroom is just next door, and you’re sharing it with Ben, so if he really doesn't want to talk to you, you know how to corner him’ Jyn jokes before leaving her to freshen up.

Rey decides to take a quick shower, she feels filthy after more than six hours of travel. She doesn't plan to fall asleep afterwards, but she’s tired, and the bed is comfortable and warm. The smell of sweet spices and chestnuts coming up form the kitchen alongside the sound of chatter, how warm and cozy the house feels in general, the snow outside, and the fact that after days, Ben is close again, that he will, sooner of later, come to his room, the one in which she peaked in after her shower, with the big bed with a green duvet… It all works against her, or for her, because she sleeps soundly for hours, waking up when outside it’s already pitch dark. Someone must have come up to check on her, because at the door she finds a pair of slippers that weren't there before.

She shivers when she leaves the warmth of the duvet to go downstairs, and she finds Cassian in the living room, reviving the fire.

'They all went down to the town to get food, how are you feeling?’ he asks.

'Rested, a bit cold’ she admits, making him smile.

'Mh. You thought Mexico couldn't be cold? Classical gringos’ propaganda’

'Oh, no, I mean...’ Rey begins to say, eager to apologise.

'I’m teasing you. Don’t worry, Jyn always says I have a terrible sense of humour’ Cassian admits standing up, the smile still on his lips while he invites her to the kitchen for some hot cocoa.

Rey sits in silence at the table while Cassian heats the milk and begins to add the powder. He is concentrated, his movements careful and controlled like always, but also relaxed. The last time she had seen him in Hanna City, when he came to talk to Ben, he had been more on edge. Rey figures that probably, like Ben, Cassian is always a bit on edge when outside with others, only he did a better job at hiding it.

'You were a spy’ Rey says out loud, because it feels... impossible, fake, something that you only see in movies.

'I was’ it’s his reply, not at all bothered.

'Were you ever... undercover?’ Rey asks, uncertain if that is the right word.

'Yeah, I was. All of the time, in a way’

She stays in silence after his answer, she is still processing it, what being a spy really means. Did he lied a lot? She really doesn’t know.

'That’s why I was so angry when you called us about Bazine’ Cassian adds, breaking the silence while the only sound in the house is the crackling fire in the other room, the clock on the wall, and the noise of the whisk against the pan. ‘I know what that does to people, to manipulate them like that. I used to do it, too, although from what I’ve gathered, this Bazine was manipulated by Snoke as well’

'Oh’ it’s all Rey can say.

They are silent again, and this time it’s Rey the one who breaks the silence.

'What did you tell Ben?’ she asks ‘at the cafe?’

Cassian turns around at that, moving the pan away from the fire and pouring carefully the hot cocoa in a series of mugs.

‘The truth. That it will be hard, everyday. Especially on the days in which everything seems meaningless, he has to find something to hold on to, even something stupid or little, then he will remember, he will be better, and it will be worth it. It will come a day when he will _know_ what he has, even if it’s hard, and he will learn to reach out, to know that he is not alone and that someone will hold his hand through it. I still have bad days, but I _know_ Jyn is with me, that she understands and she will just hold me if I ask, making me my favourite tea afterwards, putting on my favourite movie… but I am still getting better, and now, even if it’s hard, somedays I don’t even need Jyn to hold me, I can do it by myself, just to know that she’s here, with me, the certainty of her love, it’s enough. Then it expanded, and I know to call Baze and Chirrut, to make regular trips down to the city to see Bodhi. And it’s still hard, but it makes sense, and it’s worth it. I have very little compared to some, but I have so much, so much, it just takes time to see it sometimes, especially if they hurt us’

'He seemed very touched by it’

He tsks at that.

'Everyone always is. Good speeches do that, but it fades quickly. Humans are remarkably forgetful creatures, both about good and bad things when we want to’ he says this while putting down a full cup in front of her.

It’s the good kind of chocolate, not the watery one Starbucks always sells for five bucks, this one it’s thick and tasty, and Rey can’t resist it.

Cassian looks amused by her enjoyment of it, and while they wait for the others to come back he makes more hot chocolate, only this time it’s spicy, and she absolutely adores it. She listens carefully while he tells her, on her requests, of the country he has visited. Rey is shocked when he says that Hoth is even colder than Fest, because Fest is so cold to her she can hardly believe there can be something as _more_ cold.

He also keeps offering her food, small chocolates, biscuits, slices of cake, and Rey loves that, but she also looks at him a bit confused. Ben was the only one who did it, who always made sure she ate enough, because he _knew_. She never told Finn and Rose about Plutt, about days spent with an empty stomach under the sun.

Cassian seems to get that, because _of course_ he does. Spy training, she supposes.

'Sorry, habit’ he says looking away, and it's the first time Rey has seen him somewhat embarrassed, as if he finally lowered the wall he kept up in front of everyone.

Cassian clears his throat, and under her confused gaze he continues: ‘Jyn was on her own on the streets since she was sixteen, she ate only what she could steal, of what she could buy with what she could steal. Since we met I always tried to... make sure she was alright, I just... you remember me of her at that time, when we first met. Don't get me wrong, you’re completely different, but...’

'Oh’ it’s all Rey can say, her mouth still stuffed with fruit cake. She can feel Cassian’s love for Jyn in his words, and her cheeks heat up because: ‘Ben does the same, he always buys me food’ she blurts out.

Cassian smiles knowingly.

'I’m sure he does’

Rey blushes even more because she feels so... welcome, so included. Her mind goes back to Ben’s words before Christmas: Cassian, Chirrut, Baze, Jyn, in a way they know about her past, she has been open with them and they have been understanding. If she just opened up with Finn and Rose as well instead of hiding behind a smile every time, maybe she would feel less lonely, maybe their friendship would be deeper.

In any case, she tries to change the topic of the conversation, she really doesn't want to keep blushing so furiously.

'So if you were a spy and Jyn is... _Jyn_ , do you still have weapons around the house?’

It was meant to be a joke, but Cassian lets out a whistle while looking extremely amused.

'So many. Habits die hard, querida’

Before he can add more (or god forbid, show her something) the front door opens, and Jyn, Bodhi, Baze and Chirrut come in carrying bags full of food. There is nothing she can do to hide her disappointment at the fact that Ben isn’t with them, but exactly when Rey's on the verge of excusing herself in order to avoid crying in front of them, Ben slips into the kitchen from the backdoor, carrying an armful of logs for the fire.

'Uh, Cassian made you his spicy hot coco?’ Jyn asks calling for her attention ‘did you leave some for me as well?’

'Of course, mi amor’ Cassian answers, and there is so much love in the glance they exchange that Rey feels almost uncomfortable... it makes her miss Ben even more, even if he’s just hiding in the living room, a couple of steps away.

With a resolution she didn't know she could possess, Rey stands up and goes into the living room where Ben is standing in front of the fire, not really seeing it. He clearly hears her coming, but he doesn’t turn around. Rey just moves in front of him, and before he can say something, she just hugs him. She stands on her tiptoes and hugs him with her arms around his chest, basking in his warmth even though he smells like cold and wood.

'There’ she says letting go of him reluctantly, looking down because she really doesn't have the strength to deal with his stupid puppy eyes ‘now we can continue being angry at each other’

'Don’t ever disappear like that on me again, Benjamin Organa Solo’ she adds before returning to the kitchen, leaving him speechless in front of the fire.

* * *

It turns out Baze and Cassian are excellent cooks, and everything they cooked was so delicious Rey couldn’t say no to any of it. For most of the evening, Rey was included in the conversation between Jyn and Bodhi, who made fun of Luke and recalled Bodhi’s old days as a pilot. They aren't mean in their teasing of Luke’s character, but it is clear that Luke broke Bodhi’s heart when he took the religion and drugs too seriously breaking up their relationship, and Jyn never forgave him for it. As discreetly as she can, Rey is also trying to listen to the quiet conversation Chirrut and Ben are having on the other side of the table. It never occurred to her that because of his time with Luke at the Academy, Ben knew a lot about the religion for which Chirrut was once a monk with Baze. She doesn’t get most of it, but it is clear that Chirrut is trying to assess if Ben still believes or not. She thinks about that while she gets ready for the night, because she has never asked Ben about religion, if he believed even after Luke’s actions.

Rey is sitting on the bed, her warmest pyjamas on, her back to the headboard and incapable of falling asleep when someone knocks softly at her door.

‘Come in’

Ben enters her room awkwardly. He's in a simple pair of sweats and a short sleeved t-shirt, and only looking at him makes Rey cold. But he runs hot, she knows that very well.

She has her arms crossed on her chest, and Ben sits down on the armchair next to the bed, hands in his lap. The silence between them hurts her as much as his words did before Christmas, which is why she's refusing to look at him.

'I’m sorry’ he says, and at that Rey turns. He's looking down at his feet.

‘I’m sorry for what I said’ he continues ‘I’m sorry for leaving. I... I wanted to talk to you about it, when I called Jakku and... there is no excuse, I know. I wanted to be gentle, caring, with it, as much as you have been with me, but instead I hurt you. I never wanted that but... I did, and I am sorry’

'You should be’ Rey mutters blinking back the tears.

'Rey, I...’ he’s at a loss for words, she can see that ‘I was... afraid and... I just couldn't take it, not even from you, the whole Luke thing’

'I know’ she says, and Ben finally looks up ‘I’m sorry, too. I was... I was doing exactly what you said, I got excited that things finally seemed better and I forgot how much it still hurts for you, staying with them, and Luke. I should have stood up for you, he shouldn't have said those things to you’

'It's a good thing you didn't’ he exclaims, and Rey is confused.

'Why's that?’

'There are... rumours, at the office, about you and me’

'I'm not surprised’

'They're not saying nice things about you, Rey’ he adds, half angry, half sad.

'Well, they can go fuck themselves. And for the record, I would choose you, if it ever came to that. I would never pick Han and Leia, or Luke, over you, never’ she exclaims sitting better on the bed, anger flowing through her at the thought that people at the office could be so _mean_.

There’s silence after that, and Rey turns around to see Ben deep in thoughts, looking down at his bare feet.

'The things is...’ he begins, ‘Luke is right, he always was’

'Ben...’

'No, it’s the truth. I _have_ been a burden, and Poe is a better son that I would ever be, and you _deserve_ a family’

'That is bullshit, Ben, and you know it. Doesn't Ahsoka tell you not to listen to the voice that says that?’ Rey asks turning around, sitting on the bed on her knees, turned towards Ben.

He is clearly struggling with whatever is going on in his head, moving a hand through his hair and squeezing his eyes as if doing it could clear his mind.

'They didn't say anything Rey, not Leia, not Han, not even you. Luke comes and says what everyone thinks and I’m the one left standing in the corner in shame because he is right. I’m a terrible person, of course I am alone’

His words hurt her in a different way from those he said in the parking lot of Resistance. He hurt her, he sure did, but she gave him hope and then snatched it away without meaning to when Luke showed up, solidifying into reality all of his fears.

'Ben... I wanted to, I came after you, I came here...’

'Yeah, yeah, I know’ he says finally looking up at her, vice raw and tired. ‘I just... I don’t think I can get better, I am like, too broken to be fixed, no matter what Ahsoka or Cassian say. I feel so bad for intruding here, I literally showed up on Christmas morning looking like hell’

'I’m good at fixing thing’ she mutters, almost without thinking.

'It’s not your job to fix me, Rey, I would never ask that of you’

'Well, Cassian and Jyn are very happy to have you here, Bodhi, Chirrut and Baze as well’ she says, and he just shakes his head.

‘The holidays are always, _always_ , the worst. Maybe it sounds like one those Hallmark Christmas movies that ripped off _A Christmas Carol_ in a way or another, but when I was with Snoke… what made me feel worst was how alone I was. No matter what I did, how much money I had, what I could buy… all of it, it was just a deflection, the thrill of the latest phone that lasted enough so to not make me think of how alone I was. Even reading, which gave me so much pleasure, a pleasant escape, it has now become some sort of spasm, a rush from a story into the other so not to think. All the places I saw… and what is the point of them? To walk into parks and forests, to see the beauty of flowers and plants if I am alone in it. There is only a small amount of enjoyment we can keep as our own, it loses meaning when it’s not shared. I felt like a ghost, moving, passing, feeling only by proxy. I walked outside on stormy days, when the wind was so strong, the clouds so black, because it felt like _change_ , like the beginning of every book I’ve ever read as a child, when the pain finally means something and leaves space for something more, something better. Nothing ever happened, I walked alone and while everyone ran indoor I wished the wind could sweep me away, make me crumble like a dried leaf. No one would notice, no one would know.

‘But nothing happened, the rain always began to fall and I had to walk back my usual walk of shame, looking up at the lit windows in the building I passed, a glimpse of the life of others, of the life I would never have, of a warm home and someone to share it with, of nights and days spent with friends… this is what I was thinking when I did it, that day in September. That there was no change, there has never been. I’ve read Jane Eyre so many times, _so many_ , and I said to myself, even when the worst happened, _I can make my own change_ , but I couldn’t, I never could. And after all, after everything, I came back here, full circle. My parents still distant, more disappointed. People don’t like me, I am incapable of making friends, and I am alone. Which is the only constant in my life, and I am helpless, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t move, I can’t make friends, I can’t be _normal_. Then, like always, that day it felt impossible to breath, everything felt heavy, too much, and I just did it. I just wanted it to end. It was not what I had planned, I didn’t want anymore pain, but it just happened. That morning, Poe had been talking of his shenanigans on the school bus when he was a kid, and I remember I was there, too, hiding my face in a book because no wanted to talk with a nerd, a loser. I can never read while on a bus, or in a car, but I did it anyway, concentrated on the words so not to cry. Feeling nauseous was always better than feeling the hole inside me grow wider and wider. At that age, I though of my soul as a village, pillaged and left burning, crumbling, while people passed by and said nothing. Since the Academy it’s been different, I’ve seen the flames burning bright into the night, devouring everything, and it was never that, I was never that. It’s the silence of a black hole, slowly expanding, destroying everything, even the light. And no matter how loud I scream, no ever comes.’

He says all of it in what feels like a long breath, and then he’s up, fidgeting with his hands as if he didn't know where to put them.

Rey is on the verge of crying because... she is right here with him, how can he not see it?

'Ben, what are you saying?’ Rey can’t recognise her own voice, she sounds so small and scared. She _is_.

'You’ll be better, you already are. But I’ll never be. I don’t think I’ll come back to Hanna City, I won't stay here either’

'And what is your plan, to just disappear on us? To kill yourself somewhere isolated so that we’ll never know?’ she is crying now, tears streaming down her face making her vision blurry, but she won't let go.

He might be done fighting, but she isn't.

She throws her pillow at him, hitting him right in the face.

'You're so fucking selfish, you prick! You don't get to do that, do you enjoy hurting me?’

'What? No, of course not, Rey, but...’

'I’d rather stay with you and fight all day every day than live quietly without you, you idiot!’ she is screaming now, but Rey can’t find it in her to care, tears streaming down her face.

Ben seems sincerely surprised by that, he is blinking back tears while looking at her with those big brown eyes of his.

'You’re not a burden, not to me. I love you, and I will gladly fight for you, for both of us while you are not okay, because we’re a team, and I know you will fight for me, for us, if I can’t!’

Ben is crying now just like she is, speechless, looking at her as if she is some kind of miracle. He barely has to stretch his arm towards her that she’s already up, crashing into his arms. They stumble back until Ben’s sitting on the armchair again, still holding her while she’s in his lap.

'I love you’ he murmurs in her ear, making her cry harder, relief and joy sinking into her skin.

'No more stupid talks of going away, you come to me and I come to you if things are bad, ok? And if we are mad at one another we just talk, like we always do, no more disappearing’

'Okay’ he agrees kissing her cheek, holding her tighter.

'Say it again, promise it’

'Okay, I promise, I promise. I do, I really do’

'I see you children are alright’ Chirrut says startling them. He’s on the doorstep of the room in his robe, his cane in his hand and a smile on his face. ‘See, I told you it was fine’ he adds turning to his left.

'You are _blind_!’ Baze screams from not too far away, but he doesn't come in to see by himself.

Chirrut just chuckles while closing the door behind him, leaving them alone again.

Rey begins to laugh, and Ben follows her with that low chuckle that he always makes when he’s tired but okay. It’s sometime after that that they kiss for the first time after days. It tastes like salt because of all the tears they have both shed, but there is also something new, a promise, a new beginning.

* * *

Rey wakes up in Ben’s arms, in the warmth of the bed while outside a small blizzard is covering Fest in even more snow. It feels safe, it feels like _home_.

She can’t help herself, he looks so beautiful when he sleeps, and she traces Ben’s profile carefully with her fingers until he slowly blinks awake, a small smile on his lips.

'How are you?’ Rey asks moving her hand in his hair while Ben pulls her closer to him.

'A bit better’

'Good’

'Mh’

They are silent for a while, just enjoying each other's presence and tender caresses after days apart. It should scare her how attached she has become to Ben after so little time, how she just told him she loves him after having never uttered those words to anyone else. But Rey isn't scared, she feels at peace now that they are back together, as if everything is slowly falling into its right place.

'I’m afraid of going back’ Ben reveals after a while.

'Because of your parents?’

'Yeah, but also... Ahsoka wants to put me on medication, she says... she says it will help, and then I can stop when I am better...’

'But?’

'But what if... what if it changes me? It goes into my brain, what if...?’

'What if you get better, _really_ better?’ Rey replies stopping him, and Ben looks at her in silence for a moment before nodding.

'It’s going to be okay’ she tells him, leaving kisses on his cheeks, on his forehead, until he stops trembling.

'What about you? How do you feel?’ he asks.

'I’m better now, I really am. It was hard, to face the lie I’ve told myself for so many years, but you were right. I have to stop hiding with Finn, Rose and the others, I won't lose them if I tell them the truth, if I stop hiding what I really feel. Not that I’ll be open with them like I am with you, but... It’s good’

'Yeah, it is. No one is ever going to leave you like that again, Rey’

It’s her turn to hide her face in his chest, to avoid him seeing the red that inevitably colours her cheeks, the way her heart beats faster because... he always seems to know exactly what to say to make her heart explode, to make her feel loved and wanted. And it isn't an act, he does love her, he does want her.

She is about to propose to stay in bed all day, just cuddling, when Jyn knocks on the door.

'If you children want to eat, you better be ready to shovel’ she says loudly before returning downstairs.

'Ah, yes, shovelling snow in order to be able to leave the house, my favourite Christmas activity’ Ben says standing up, making her chuckle.

She burrows further under the duvet, but Ben doesn't leave her alone. He picks her up and bridal carries her to the bathroom, and Rey would be laughing if it wasn't that she is surprisingly turned on by it. He’s massive, but he’s a softy, but he’s strong and... _god_ , she really has it bad.

'Can you do it again when we’re alone?’ she asks, cheeks red.

Ben looks down at her for a moment, a bit confused. He, too, blushes, but his laugh is so sincere Rey can only laugh with him.

* * *

Rey is sitting on the rock, the one from the picture Jyn had sent her, overlooking the mountains and resting after more than two hours of shovelling and a snowball fight which she and Chirrut won. Things aren't perfect, there is still much they have to face, but it’s good, _it’s good_ , and Rey feels better than she has ever felt in... _ever_. It feels possible, for the first time, to just leave her parents behind, to focus on herself and the future for once, on those who really love her instead of a fantasy, of the love of someone who never bothered with her.

Jyn comes sitting next to her, offering a her a warm cup of tea, and for some minutes they silently look at the view.

Then Jyn begins to speak, and Rey listens in religious silence. It is clear that the woman has been meaning to speak for a very long time.

'I don’t know where to start’ Jyn says with a sigh, looking in front of her, at the mountains tops covered in snow ‘I could tell you the story everyone always wants to know, how my mother was killed in front of me, my father kidnapped, how I escaped with my uncle, who raised me to be a child soldier in a guerrilla group only to leave me on my own at sixteen. I could tell you Cassian’s story, how his parents decided to protest against the corrupted regime and were killed in the government’s retaliation, how he was found by the man who later became his handler, raised to be the perfect spy. I was about your age when I first met Cassian, they broke me out of prison and then... then Scarif happened’

Rey almost chokes on her tea because... fuck, Scarif was the government facility that blew up almost 30 years before, it was in the history books. Everything lost but the documents that proved the extreme corruption of the government, what ultimately led the soft revolution that created the new Republic.

'That was _you_?’ Rey asked.

'All of us, Rogue One’ Jyn corrected her. ‘It’s not commonly known because we wanted some privacy for ourselves, Bail Organa, Leia’s adoptive father, wanted it too since... Anakin, Ben’s grandfather, was somewhat involved with the corrupted government, some of their worst crimes. That might have been one of the reasons why he choose to kill himself, alongside the fact that there was a fracture between him and Padmé. She was one those who were fighting against the government. The end of the story is, Anakin killed himself and Padmé didn't survive, Leia and Luke divided, and the rise of Palpatine. Cassian’s parents were killed, Chirrut and Baze’s temple destroyed, my father kidnapped because of his knowledge and my mother killed. When we met, we almost felt helpless, but we took a risk, and we almost died at Scarif. We almost died for a better future for children like you, and it breaks my heart to see just how everything that could go wrong went wrong with Ben’ there is sadness and regret in Jyn’s eyes, what Rey thinks should be in Luke’s, the one who never confronted his past.

'Me and Cassian, god, when things ended we could barely keep ourselves alive. We never even thought about children in the aftermath, we never had parents taking care of us, only very blurred memories, so you can imagine how scared we were of fucking it up. We thought about the kids who were like us, once we got better, the ones who were orphans and without a family, so we helped in orphanages when we could. When Leia told us she was pregnant we laughed, because we’d seen it before, people do this kind of stuff when they feel like they survived something big, in this case it was the fall of Palpatine. It was far away anyway. Ben, for us, in his first years, was just something distant, the son of a friend we had barely seen once, and he looked just like any other child. We weren't even worried, because yeah, there was Han, but there was also _Leia_ , super righteous Leia. It was only after the Dameron’s death, when they took in Poe, that Cassian began to really worry. When we went over for the funeral, Ben already showed all the signs, he was angry, withdrawn, sad... I didn't see it, like the others, I just thought he was an angry pre-teen. I had been twice as grumpy and angry at his age, although at fourteen I was also smuggling explosives, so I really didn’t feel like I could make a sound judgement. Cassian though… well, you can’t really take the spy out of him, so he saw everything. But what could we do, you know? You can’t just go up to a parent and tell them: hey, you’re fucking up your child. We were close to Han and Leia, but not _that_ close. Although in hindsight we should have tried.’

'It was Ben who called us when Leia and Han sent him away to Luke, he didn't have anyone else to turn to, and Cassian had been very attentive to him during our last visit. Luke was in the middle of nowhere, so he walked for three hours to get to a phone booth to call. He just asked us if we knew why his parents were sending him away. He had read about depression in a book in the library, and he thought they were ashamed that he wasn't as strong as Poe, as happy, even though he didn’t know grief the way Poe did. He sounded so broken, a child just wanting for his parents to come back’ Jyn’s voice broke a bit at that, but she cleared her throat and continued while Rey blinked back tears, because she knew exactly what that felt like.

'Luke understood nothing, like Chirrut always says, he's a foreign who interpreted the religion the wrong way, like all foreigners do, he took it too far with drugs and almost killed Ben because of it. I had just managed to get Cassian here when it happened, because he had never set foot in his home country since Draven took him away, and it was Chirrut who gave us the news. We were back immediately, and arguments followed, as you can imagine. That’s when it came out, how often they left him alone, how maybe he was just an introvert as a child, but they exacerbated that. I mean, we never imagined they would be so bad as parents. I remember once, Ben wanted to play football, he was still friend with Poe at the time and wanted to just spend time with him, maybe make new friends, and when he asked Han and Leia they told him to do it, to go out and subscribe to a club or something. He was ten, and very uncomfortable making phone calls to strangers, so that never went anywhere, and he went back to his books. Then Snoke got him when he ran off to collage... and it got worse, I guess you know that. It makes me sad, and angry beyond belief that no one listed to him, believed him when he needed it the most. Just because he is tall and big people think nothing can be wrong with him, and before that, because his family was reasonably wealthy. We fought for that, for children like you and Ben to grow up differently from me and Cassian, who have known nothing but war and death, from Bodhi, Chirrut and Baze, who have known nothing but fear and oppression in their own country. We almost died for it, and the experiences of people like Ben gets pushed aside only because it didn’t involve physical scars, which he got anyway in the end. Or the experiences of people like you, just because you learned to smile and be polite and never show it.’

Rey took a sharp intake of breath at that, Jyn seeing right through her.

'I just want him to be okay, but it will take time, you must know that. I'm not surprised you fought because of Luke, it’s a very sensitive topic, it scarred him deeply, and he knows nothing but people telling him he’s a liar, that he’s the evil one because he couldn't get along with Saint Luke, so of course he shouted at you and left. He through you would choose them like everyone else always had, and on top of that, he doesn't yet know how to engage in reasonable disagreement reasonably. He doesn't know that not every disagreement means betrayal. _It will take time’._

'I know’ Rey says looking down at her tea, trying to process what Jyn just told her.

She was surprised when the woman put a hand on her shoulder, forcing her to look up.

'What I am trying to say is that it’s going to be a hard path to walk, but as someone who has walked that path with Cassian, all I can tell you is that it will be worth it, for both of you, and I’m glad you and Ben found each other. Also, for the sake of clarity, I will say it plainly, like I’ve told Ben, to avoid any doubt: you’re family, and you’re always welcome here. We will never be unhappy to see you, even if you turn up unannounced on Christmas morning like Ben did. We were happy that he choose to come to us instead of being alone’

There is nothing Rey can do but nod, her face flushed and tears streaming down her face uncontrollably. Something she has no name for bubbling in her chest, growing into something bright, warm, beautiful. Jyn puts an arm around her shoulders and just holds her.

'I know it’s probably not the family you imagined. We’re a little broken, with Bodhi missing a hand, Chirrut being blind and Cassian limping a bit... but...’

'It’s perfect, it is, it really is’ Rey says through the tears because she has been in Fest for only two days but it _does_ feel like home, like family, like everything she has ever dreamed of and more.

'Yeah, I guess everything looks golden and shiny after enough Skywalker drama’ Jyn adds and Rey laughs.

* * *

That night, she decides to be honest with Ben.

'I read your report, I am sorry’ she admits ‘it was on you’re mother’s desk and... I'm sorry’

They are in his room, the bed a bit bigger than hers and the moonlight filtering through the curtains from the window softly illuminating his figure. They are cuddled under the duvet and two quilts since the temperature plummeted even thought the blizzard of the night before left in favour of a clear sky.

'It’s okay, I don't mind’ he murmurs.

'But we didn't know each other then, not like now’

'Rey, it's okay really. I wouldn't have cared then, and I don’t now. I mean, it was supposed to be confidential but it’s typical of Leia Organa to get what she wants even if it meant forcing a doctor to break patient’s confidentiality’

His hand is warm on her cheek, and Rey moves her hands under his t-shirt, raising goosebumps on his skin, just humming her agreement.

'She is your mother, she was worried, she still is. She is the one who gave me the ticket to come here’

It’s Ben's turn to hum and Rey knows he’s not convinced. That is one of the things that will take time, for him to recognise that despite all the evidence he thinks he has, his family doesn't hate him, at least Han and Leia certainly don't.

Rey is trying to find the words, not to come across as too needy, clingy, but... there is something she has been thinking about, and after speaking to Jyn that morning it came back to the forefront of her mind. She just has to ask.

'We’re always together’ she murmurs while Ben kisses her forehead ‘me and you, I mean, it’s either your room or my place and I was... I was thinking... I would love to spend more time with you, officially, and to have your books and your plants mixed with my stuff, and I promise to keep my oily things away from your books...’ she blurts it out so fast she isn't sure Ben understood any of it, but his hands on her body stop their exploration, and he moves to look at her in the eyes.

'You would... you want that?’ he is surprised by it, like he is every time she reveals how much she cares for him. He’s a dummy, but he’s her dummy, and she loves him, and maybe it's too soon but... she doesn't care, she honestly doesn't. She finally has everything she has ever wanted within her grasp, and she is not holding back. She wants it all, people’s expectations and time frames be damned, what do they have to do with how she and Ben feel anyway?

'Yes’ she says, and Ben swallows hard, but she can see the spark of light in his eyes, and it makes her smile.

'Then yeah, yeah, though... I don’t know what we can afford, it might be small and...’

'It’s okay, it’s okay’ she stops him before he can overthink it like he always does ‘we’ll be together, it’ll be okay’

They kiss under the duvet until they fall asleep, and they spend the next three days in what Rey can only describe as bliss, enjoying the festive season at the Andor-Erso house, even if technically the festivities were over since New Year's Day was almost a week before.

'We’re catholics here’ Cassian just says when she comments on that ‘at least, everyone is Fest but us is. The sixth of January is the three kings’ day, when the kings go to Jesus and all of that. Which means that, technically, we're still on a holiday’

So they stay until after the six, but on the seventh they pack their bags, more than a week after Rey arrived. They have to go back to their lives after all, they need to see Mothma and Ahsoka, Rey needs to talk to Finn and Rose and Ben has a long overdue talk with his parents. It’s scary, leaving Fest, the little bubble of happiness they found here, but Jyn, Cassian, Chirrut, Baze and Bodhi walk with them to the bus stop, and it feels a bit easier.

'We’ll see you soon, we cannot let these two travel alone’ Bodhi says referring to Chirrut and Baze, before everyone said goodbye to them with a warm hug.

The journey back to Hanna City is not as exhausting as Rey thought it would be, but she thinks that it might be so because Ben is with her. It's a new experience for her, travelling with someone, sharing the burden of anxiety and stress, a pleasant one, in which she discovers that her and Ben are beginning to talk with each other without needing to open their mouths, looks and small movements that are just as loud as words would be. It doesn't mean that they aren't tired when they finally make it back, and when they enter Rey’s small apartment they barely have time to shower before they pass out exhausted on the bed. They arrive late Friday evening. While Ben will go talk to his parents the next day, Rey already has organised a meeting with Finn and Rose at a cafe, so that she can get them up to speed about what has happened.

It’s scary, it really is, for both her and Ben, but it’s something that they have to do, talk, open up to others, someone different from each other and Mothma or Ahsoka.

It is easy for her, Finn and Rose seem to understand immediately. They are sympathetic, and they don't look at her differently afterwards, making Rey wonder why on heart had she hidden it all before. They do ask that, why she omitted so much and all she can answer is that she was afraid (the truth), but that now she isn't anymore (another truth), and she is ready to go on, to start something new. They really understand, Finn and Rose, even though they are predictably perplexed by the speed of her and Ben’s relationship. She really doesn't know what to say to that beside that he’s not dangerous ( _’no, Finn, he won't hurt me, he’s not like that. I know he looks like... a bear, but he’s like, a teddy bear, really_ ) or so mentally unstable as to be dangerous ( _really, Rose, since when do you listen to Mitaka?_ ). It's unfortunate that at the office people have begun to simply label Ben as _mad_ , and Rey is ready to have a talk to Leia about that because mental illness certainly doesn't equal madness, and everyone seemed to be in need of a crash curse on that and empathy.

For Ben, things aren't as easy. Luke is still at the Organa house even if he's having an ongoing argument with Leia, who has apparently finally decided to confront her brother about what _really_ happened at the Academy ten years before. Ben really tries to speak to his parents, but it inevitably ends in a shouting match with Luke and Ben punching a wall (and hurting his hand) while Artoo put oils under Treepio’s nose after the old butler faints at the sight of such a scene.

'Wasn't he hired by Anakin? Shouldn't he be used to the drama?’ Rey asks trying to lighten the mood, and Ben huffs.

'In his old age he has become a drama queen’

They are in silence for a while before Ben speaks again.

'I told them I knew they saw the report, I just asked what more I could say to make it more clear’

They are already in bed even though it was barely eight. She had come home from the pub where she met Finn, Rose, Kydel and Poe to find him already under the blankets, trying to hide.

'And what did they say?’ she asks holding his hand, assessing the damage.

'That they don’t understand. They said they gave me everything and they don't understand. They admit they shouldn't have sent me to Luke and that Luke made a mistake, but at that Luke jumped in and... civility left the house, lets say. Oh, and they think we may be rushing things’

'Are we?’

'I don't care about what they think. If we feel it's the right time, what we want... we should do it. I won’t run, not again. I want... I want to _feel_ , and _live_ , for the first time since... _ever_ , and I won't hold back because they think is too soon. I am afraid, but I want to go on’ he reveals.

'Yeah’ she says, voice a bit choked, happiness spreading through her in a warm wave ‘and my lease is coming up anyway’

Ben laughs, and she finally feels him relax a bit under her hands, the stress of the day leaving his body.

* * *

Monday, at the office, things are awkward.

Everyone knows they are together now, it’s official, and the news that they are _also_ moving together seems to make it even more scandalous, somehow. Then, of course, Luke Skywalker is still in the city.

He comes into Resistance every morning at ten, and everyone adores him. He never speaks to Ben, and there is clearly an argument going on between him and Leia, although not openly, for not even Han knows what the two twins are fighting about _precisely_. Although, of course, everyone has a rough idea. The argument Han had with Luke was a bit more public, and it was still just a mystery to Rey why Luke couldn't just admit his mistakes so that they could move on from that.

It results in Ben and Rey spending all their time at her apartment, looking at listings online or watching stupid tv shows to get their minds off things.

It’s Thursday, two weeks after they came back from Fest, and Luke is standing in the middle of the office, telling a story about something he did thirty years before in a forest in Yavin in connection to the religion while everyone listens captivated around him. That is, everyone but Ben and Rey (the only one still working) and Leia and Holdo (who are whispering to each other).

It happens suddenly. One moment Luke is talking and the next a hand hits him right in the face.

_A hand._

A hand Rey knows well.

Bodhi Rook is standing at the door, trying to look sever and scary, which probably works for people who don't know him and his good heart.

'Pick up my hand and get out, we need to talk’ Bodhi says and Luke is speechless which, given by Ben’s expression, is a first.

Bodhi doesn't wait for him, he simply turns and walks out, and when Luke is about to follow him, Cassian enters the room.

'Skywalker’ he says to Luke as a greeting, voice cold.

Jyn is behind him, and Luke looks terrified by her, which only prompts Rey to make a note to herself to ask Chirrut about _that_ story later. Luke simply nods, his face now severe, and walks out looking for Bodhi.

From the way Luke followed Bodhi like that, so willingly... it is clear to Rey that in Fest, when they talked about it, everyone downplayed how deep and important their relationship had been to Luke and Bodhi.

'Que pasa, Leia, we’re here to pick up the kids’ Cassian says while, behind him, Jyn exchanges a weird look with Han, who just came up from the garage in that moment.

'Of course’ Leia agrees with a little smile, just an inch sad.

Ben and Rey get up, and they are very grown up, but Jyn and Cassian take them out for ice cream anyway, and then they accompany them to the practice for their appointments.

Rey isn't even surprised at this point when Ahsoka nearly tears up when she sees Cassian, speaking to him in Spanish very fast, while Mothma seems equally happy to see Jyn.

Both their sessions are hard, but afterwards they are together, and at the cafe, Chirrut, Baze, Cassian and Jyn are waiting for them alongside Maz and Lando.

The next day, in the parking lot of Resistance, she witnesses Luke apologising to Ben for the first time ever.

'I’m sorry Ben, I failed you’ the old man says, real regret in his eyes for the first time ever.

Bodhi is not too far, and Ben just nods and walks past Luke, into the building. Leia is the foyer with Han, and they are clearly waiting to see his reaction.

For a moment, it seems like Ben might just keep walking, ignore them, but then he stops.

'I don't think you’re bad people, and I don’t think you... wanted to hurt me, or... get rid of me’ he says slowly, the words filled with a truth he finally begins to feel inside, but still heavy ‘but you made some... decisions, mistakes, I still can't forget, they still hurt me’

'It’s alright, it’s alright’ Leia says immediately, reaching for Han’s arm to steady herself, tears in her eyes.

'We love you, kid’ Han adds, and he doesn't say it as awkwardly as he usually does, he’s certain, clear.

Ben nods looking down, taking a breath before turning back to her, reaching for her hand. She takes it, and she smiles at Leia and Han, who smile at her in return, before following Ben to the elevator.

In the office, Poe, Finn and Rose are already there, fighting over a basket of fresh donuts, and as soon as they see them, they invite them over.

And it may seem like nothing, but it is something. They have a long way to go, a lot of work to do, but Rey doesn't mind, she really doesn't.

* * *

They end up finding a small place not too far away from the Organa house to Leia’s delight, since she has begun to read all of the same books Ben is, so that she can talk to him about something, start a conversation, have an excuse to invite him over for tea in a way in which Ben couldn't refuse. Han is also making an effort, speaking to Ben at work everyday, inviting him downstairs to the garage. _Everyone_ is making an effort, more or less smoothly, and while things aren't perfect, it is more than okay with her. Even Mothma is saying that she can reduce their sessions from once a week to once a month, that she is better, more open, more trusting, and most importantly not lying to herself anymore.

Which is surprising giving how they managed to move relatively quickly, and it wasn't stress free. The speed was, in part, determined by Ben’s anxiety: if he started something he needed to finish it, and he couldn't withstand disorder. She would have assembled the Ikea forniture and then just let it there to sort out the next day, but Ben couldn't. She assembled the library and several shelves around the place and he filled them immediately, so that all of his books were already in order, and he did the same with the wardrobe, and it was just their first night at _their_ place. If it wasn't that Rey was exhausted she would have wanted to celebrate, to cry of happiness and kiss him silly, but taking boxes up and down the stairs all day left her more than ready to sleep.

She wakes up in the middle of the night anyway, not finding Ben next to her when usually he’s Mr. Cuddle all night long. He’s just sitting up on his side of the bed, and he knows she’s awake, like she knows something is bothering him, and it isn't the new bed.

He’s giving her his back while he talks, his figure illuminated by the light of the street lamps reflected back by the white snow that has covered everything outside. January has been exceptionally cold and snow arrived in Hanna City for the first time in thirty years.

‘I know the science behind it. I know Ahsoka is right, but a part of me can’t stop asking: what if I change? what I become something else? someone who can be normally happy for the rest of his life only through medication? And then there’s another part, the most cynical, that asks: will it really help? Why, really am I like this? Is it only the imbalances in my brain? Am I damaged, somehow? And maybe I am… but there are so many more like me, so many of our generation that feel like this, that when people like Mothma and Ahsoka hands me a prescription for pills that create happiness, it feels like a palliative, a band-aid on a gun shot. Doesn’t society as it is have a role in all of this? I can take all the medications Ahsoka wants, but the world is dying, somehow people are proud of saying they are nazis again, and society in general seems to have made ten steps back. Snoke may have been the worst to me, but how many others like him are out there? Other more stealth in their ways, who ask their employees to give a hundred and fifty percent only to pay them less than nothing? When older people constantly shames us and call us lazy only because we don’t want to work twenty-four-seven for a meagre pay, only because we want to live what little we have left before the earth dies, before the economy creates another bubble and takes half us with it when it explodes, because…’

‘Are you really going to start a critique of capitalism at three am in the morning?’ Rey asks with a small smile propping herself up. Even in the dark, she can see Ben blush.

‘What I mean is…’

‘I know what you mean, and you’re right. We’re scarred, and society fucks us all one way or another, but there is hope, there is _always_ hope. I also know you’re scared’ Rey murmurs resting her chin on his shoulder, closing her hand over his, over the little bottle of pills he is holding.

‘It goes to my brain, it changes it and… I want to be better, I really do. But I want to be better being _me_ , not someone else. And I know it’s stupid because I don’t even remember if there ever was a happy me’

’Maybe happy-Ben never had a chance to grow up, maybe this will help sad-Ben sit down, so that happy-Ben can finally begin to walk, and we’ll discover him together’ Rey says holding on to him ‘I will tell you if he’s an asshole, I promise, but I don't think he will be, and you know why? I’ve already seen happy-Ben, and I cannot wait to see more on him’

Ben huffs, trying to laugh, be he’s shaking underneath her.

‘What if I am not me anymore?’ he asks, almost sobbing.

‘They’ll never change who you are inside, Ben. I will make sure of that’ she promises, because she will. It isn't just some lie she is going to tell him to get him to comply, she loves him too much for that. ‘Remember? Never alone again’

‘Never alone again’ he agrees turning towards her, his eyes shining with silent tears.

When morning comes, Rey holds his hand when he swallows the first pill.

'It’s going to take time’ she says and he nods.

'Yeah... but you’re here’ Ben adds, almost a whisper, uncertainty just at the edge of his words.

'Yeah, we have each other’ Rey says squeezing his hand ‘we’ll be fine’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to take time to thank everyone who read/left kudos/commented, because the response has been mind blowing!  
> I wasn’t expecting it when I began to write the story, mostly because I’ve never seen other stories touch on these kinds of themes. This is also why I wanted to write about it, there is a lot of hate that is somehow associated with people who like Kylo/Ben as a character, and it usually downplays the importance that he has to people who know trauma and mental illness well. In a way, the same can be said for Rey, who is seen as cinnamon roll who can never be sad when I think the reality is quite different. I see them as standing at the edge of a spectrum, with Rey processing her trauma with a coping mechanism which makes her functional while Kylo/Ben stands on the other side, being nonfunctional.  
> In a way, I relate a lot to both, and to Jyn and Cassian (which is why they are in the story). But while the theme was a heavy one, what I hope really came across is that there is hope, if we reach out someone will help us in a way or another. Times are changing and not everyone is ignorant when it comes to mental health, we just have to overcome the stigma that society made us internalise about it and talk to one another about how we really feel. Before I take this too far, I just want to say thanks again.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [twitter](https://twitter.com/LonelyAsteria)


End file.
